Review of Lone Wolf McQuade (1983) by Khris N — 22 Sep 2010

If one wishes to gain an understanding of the oeuvre of Chuck Norris in one go, one need look no further than LONE WOLF McQUAID. Everything that Chuck would come to be known for begins here, itâ??s ground zero for Chuckâ??s invincible and cartoonishly messianic Texas Ranger archetype. The film opens with an Ennio Morricone knock-off score that whistles behind Chuck as we see him spy on a group of criminals with the sun framing him like a Texas-fried Jesus as he steps in to literally kick their teeth in once things get ugly. Here, as you might have surmised, Chuck plays the titular McQuade, and as the title suggests, he doesnâ??t like teamwork, so when his stereotypically bureaucratic boss assigns him a partner, he isnâ??t too happy. McQuade like the simple things in life, like keeping a wolf at his trashed-out house, shooting dummies in his yard, and drinking insane amounts of Pearl beer in the middle of the day. Pearl beer seems to be to McQuade what spinach is to Popeye; in one scene the bad guys bury McQuade in his trashed out Bronco, but after busting out a can of Pearl, he pours it all over his being and manages to rev his way out of the hole once his baptism of booze gives him a second wind. As you might have guessed, McQuade makes Martin Riggs (and, somehow, Mel Gibson by proxy) look positively sane by comparison. He brandishes a gun when his partner comes to visit him, he drives his Bronco into crime scenes as though the concept of traffic laws never occurred to him, and yet he seems to be a picture perfect father despite his loony eccentricities. Granted, he never cries in his trailer with a gun in his mouth the way Riggs does, but he does live like someone you would see on an episode of HOARDERS, so I guess it evens out.

The villain in LONE WOLF McQUADE is played by none other than David Carradine, and seeing Chuck Norris confront and kill him seems to be something like poetic justice (câ??mon, that ainâ??t spoilinâ?? nuthinâ??). You see, Chuck Norris has a very close cinematic relation to Bruce Lee, as Chuckâ??s debut on film features him as a badass American karate expert sent to take out Leeâ??s kung-fu genius on a violent Roman holiday in WAY OF THE DRAGON, which Lee also wrote and directed. The two meet in the Roman coliseum and have a duel in which Lee rips out Chuckâ??s chest hair before killing him. However Lee showed a respect to Chuckâ??s killer karate dude that most action stars lack after killing their primary opponent, and therefore seemed to be paying Chuck respect as his contemporary as a martial artist. Bruce Lee also happened to be the creator for the concept for the TV series KUNG FU, with the intention of he himself starring in it, before the producers decided that Lee was â??too Chineseâ?? to play a â??Chinese person,â?? instead opting for a much whiter David Carradine (who also happened to know fuck-all about the showâ??s namesake), keeping Leeâ??s Hollywood star potential at bay until the release of the Hollywood/Hong Kong co-production of ENTER THE DRAGON, which came too late, as it was released shortly after Leeâ??s untimely death. So seeing Chuck whip the shit out David Carradine (who looks as though he accidentally wandered into Bill Cosbyâ??s trailer prior to shooting every scene) seems somehow satisfying, as though Chuck is shoving a grenade up his ass for complying in the act of transforming Leeâ??s creation from something legitimately interesting, into something incredibly mediocre, safe, and ultimately forgettable.

Iâ??m not going to say LONE WOLF McQUADE is the most fun Iâ??ve had watching a Chuck Norris movie (BREAKER! BREAKER!, so far in my ongoing Norris-a-thon, is hard to beat in terms of cheapie entertainment value), but itâ??s damn close. Itâ??s cliché right down to its DNA, but it also wrote the book on Chuck Norris clichés. It seemed to define the formula for the Chuck Norris hero, the Texas karate cowboy that weâ??re all familiar with, so if Iâ??d say if youâ??re unfamiliar with this Chuck Norris guy, this would be the one movie youâ??d have to see to get what people are talking about. Then you can decide if you want to continue, or just walk away, but if you say yes to this movie, chances are youâ??re already interested in seeing schlock like HELLBOUND and THE HITMAN anyway, so you might as well stick it out.