Review of Legion (2010) by Chads. — 24 Jan 2010

Believe the blasphemous rumors spread by Depeche Mode frontman David Gahan: God does indeed have "a sick sense of humor". As a matter of fact, in "Legion", our lord and savior is downright hillarious.

According to Michael(Paul Bettany), the terminator angel, God has grown tired of watching us "kill over race and greed", and in so many words, the buff angel tells Jeep(Lucas Black) that God is pissed off.

Not only does God want us dead, he wants us to die agonizingly slow; he wants us to turn each other into zombies. Well, as the saying goes, God acts in mysterious ways. Unfortunately, Jesus sits this one out; only Jesus, perhaps, could have intervened on our behalf, even the non-Christians, and prevented these homicidal angels from being deployed by that thug God.

(Where's Bruno Ganz when you really need him?) Touched by an angel(not the good kind of touch like from a Kraut attendant spirit), an old woman with a walker warns Charlie(Adrianne Palicki), playing a Sarah Connor-esque waitress, that her baby is going to burn, in the film's only scene with a pulse, and it's not just because the virulent senior crawls on the walls and ceiling like a spider; the old woman's prophetic words against this knocked-up singleton is just the sort of thing that some religious types are thinking when they push their traditional family agenda.

This old woman, infused with the "holy" spirit, represents a side of Christianity, the hyper-moralistic side, that "Legion" could have developed as a concept more explicitly into the storyline for a more provocative movie, rather than waste time on soul-bearing conversation after soul-bearing conversation between the cardboard characters from the greasy spoon, and the proselytized zombie action.

If only Jesus put in an appearance and kicked some angel ass. After all, Jesus saves.