Review of Kalifornia (1993) by Inspecter B — 06 Feb 2008

Kalifornia.

David Duchovny.

Brad Pitt.

Juliette Lewis.

Some chick I coulda sworn was a dude.

Let me just start out by saying, two minutes into the movie "Carrie", Duchovny's significant other in the film, walks up to him and starts biting his ear. Maybe it was the lighting... maybe it was the angle... Maybe she's just taller than him. But, for all the world, she looked like a guy. And I was amazed because all of his characters friends were totally cool with it. So I assumed Duchovny was playing an openly gay character... and perhaps he WAS openly gay. (Which would explain why he never got it on with Scully.).

It wasn't just that scene either. In the next few scenes where she appears she STILL looks like a guy. I couldn't shake it. I had to look her up on the internet. Only to find it really was a woman after-all.

But it wasn't just her looks! She SOUNDED like a guy in those first few scenes too!

Anyway... That was my first problem.l.

My second problem was the fact that I always got this film confused with Natural Born Killers. And I always got Natural Born Killers confused with the original Crash (or was it Krash?).

So this whole time I was thinking "Man... with a beard and a full head of hair, Woody Harleson is a DEAD RINGER for Brad Pitt! The resemblance is uncanny!" Only to discover... about half an hour into the film... that it really WAS Brad Pitt.

So once I got past all that the movie was almost over. I always thought (and now even moreso) that Juliette Lewis was hot. Too bad she smokes. I might have had to look her up one day. I have a strange way of bumping into famous women. Sometimes all you have to do is visit the right country and they'll show-up. ("Butch"'s girlfriend from Pulp Fiction wound up doing a play right down the street from my apartment in Paris.).

There IS NO Fox Moulder. David Duchovny is the X-files. That's how he really looks... that's how he really talks... that's how he IS. Therefore... that's how this film is. The little notes on location and time typed into every scene. The offscreen voice-overs... There's absolutely nothing to differentiate this film from an episode of the X-Files...

...except for Brad Pitt.

Who does an astonishing job as a Yokel lunatic. And Juliette Lewis deserves an Academy Award for her performance as his girlfriend.

And whoeve Duchovny's girlfriend was in this movie just SUCKED. Nothing she did in any scene was believable. Which is probably why she ended up doing nothing but Star Trek and Battlestar gallactica for the ten years following the film.

Once you got over the fact that she kinda looks like a guy... she's actually pretty hot.

...but I wouldn't call her the next day and I'd hate to hear her voice on the phone anyway.