Review of K-19: The Widowmaker (2002) by Jason B — 31 Dec 2009

The best Soviet captains in movies have been Liam Neeson, Harrison Ford and Sean Connery with a Scottish accent. That's pretty funny.

This little bastard had evaded me for some reason, although I have an unhealthy fascination with submarine movies. At first glance, I was delighted that Liam "do the goddamn Lincoln movie already!" Neeson was part of the setup, as he is one of my firm favorites. Unfortunately he was the only good thing in the film.

The submarine itself is of the legendary Soviet quality. That means nothing works and everything falls apart at the seams. I have to wonder how much of the misfortune was manufactured in addition to the real thing, nothing can have that much of bad luck. Well, except Terry Gilliam and Liverpool this season. I must also question the captain character played by Ford. I doubt he really did everything in his power to bust up the flagship submarine of the Soviet fleet. There's some manufactured Hollywood drama for you.

However, the ultimate downfall for me was the fact that there is no underwater battles in the movie. Submarine movies are nothing without some cat n' mouse action under the sea! Instead we get to see dudes fixing a broken sub, after which it breaks again and there is some more fixing. I mean... yawn. The movie is also long as shit for some inexplicable reason. The director likes to fix stuff I guess. Dying of radiation would be pretty fucking horrible though, that part the movie covers quite well.

In short, one star for submarines, one star for Liam Neeson. I'm a simple guy.