Review of Jupiter Ascending (2015) by Gimpytreat — 06 Feb 2015

This movie was a giant, floating turd in the punchbowl of my otherwise wonderful day off. I got a nap this morning. Ate sushi for lunch. Had some wonderful physical relations with my wife. And was hoping that my day would only get better by watching this movie. Well, fate is a cruel bastard, and after spending no less than $7 on a matinee ticket, I soon found myself giggling at the ridiculous fish-lipped villain and his whispery ways. The movie was so incredibly predictable that during the times that I closed my eyes for an unnecessarily long blink, I used my psychic powers to tell me what would happen next. They threw in some scenes of things breaking for no reason other than to add obstacles for Mila to jump and dodge.

Well, now I'm home trying to salvage this weekend and stretch out time in hopes of getting back the 2+ hours of my life that I wasted. If you're on the fence about seeing this movie, DON'T! You'd be better off getting a colonoscopy from your neighborhood crack dealer.