Review of Jupiter Ascending (2015) by Patrick L — 19 Aug 2015

"If you combine "Star Wars", "Dune", "Guardians of the Galaxy", "John Carter" and "A Cinderella Story", you get "Jupiter Ascending" the latest big-budget misfire from The Wachowskis".

Movie Review: Jupiter Ascending.

Date Viewed: February 12 2015.

Written and Directed By The Wachowskis (The Matrix, The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix Revolutions, Speed Racer and Cloud Atlas).

Starring: Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Tuppence Middleton,.

Douglas Booth, James D'Arcy, Terry Gilliam,.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw, David Ajala, Kick Gurry,.

Bae Doona, Tim Pigott-Smith, Edward Hogg,.

Maria Doyle Kennedy, Vanessa Kirby and Ariyon Bakare.

Darth Vader, please blow up this $176 million blockbuster into smithereens. Who knew that a big-budget blockbuster could be this laughable. With a lot of exposition, visual effects, and dull characters, "Jupiter Ascending" is not only an early candidate for the worst movie of 2015, it's also the best bad movie of the year. Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis are the hottest movie stars right now but sometimes even the sexiest celebrities are not enough to save a $176 million spaceship of a blockbuster from crashing down.

If you combine "Star Wars", "Dune", "Guardians of the Galaxy", "John Carter" and "A Cinderella Story", you get "Jupiter Ascending" the latest big-budget misfire from The Wachowskis. Andy and Lana Wachowski were once talented artists, before "The Matrix", they did a stylish, low-budget thriller called "Bound". After their visionary 1999 hit and it's two lukewarm sequels, they did a candy-colored TV adaptation of "Speed Racer" and an overlong sci-fi epic called "Cloud Atlas". "Jupiter" is easily The Wachowskis' worst movie to date.

The story is about a girl named Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) who was born under a night sky. She is destined to do great things but she is stuck cleaning toilets for a living with her mother. Soon, the movie goes into "The Chosen One" phase of the story as Jupiter gets rescued by Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) from aliens who want her dead. Caine is a genetically engineered ex-military hunter who is part dog and probably part Vulcan because he has Mr. Spock's pointy ears. Caine tells Jupiter that she is intergalactic royalty and they get into one long chase scene in downtown Chicago. Caine was sent by Titus (Douglas Booth), one of three Abrasax siblings who have ulterior motives for Jupiter.

The eldest of the three siblings, Lord Balem (Eddie Redmayne) wants Earth for himself and he wants Jupiter dead. Balem has unique costumes he probably borrowed from the last Madonna tour and he has an army of giant flying lizards. We also have Sean Bean as Stinger, Caine's former mentor who is part Bee, okay STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Listen Lana and Andy, how are Caine and Stinger part dog and part bee? Explain it to us! We also get terrible lines of dialogue like this, "Your Majesty, I have more in common with a dog than I have with you", "Bees are genetically designed to sense royalty.", "My mother never cleaned a toilet in her life.", "Take these pills. Travel is rough on royal bowels". Tatum and Kunis are still young and they are talented actors but in "Jupiter Ascending", Tatum is forced to rescue Kunis from falling off of buildings and she is forced to fight off an intergalatic capitalist, speak clunky dialogue and wear exquisite dresses.

Redmayne who is the frontrunner to win Best Actor for "The Theory of Everything", spends most of the movie screaming and whispering laughable lines. Right now, Redmayne and Julianne Moore are at risk of losing their Oscars because they did big-budget turkeys. "Jupiter Ascending" and "The Seventh Son" could cost them the Oscar, remember what happened with Eddie Murphy and Robert De Niro? Another fascinating thing about "Jupiter" is that film director Terry Gilliam is in it, he does a homage to his 1985 movie "Brazil".

The special effects are undeniably impressive but they are overshadowed by a dumb movie that is both spectacularly goofy and an empty mess.