Review of Jingle All the Way (1996) by Ryan A — 14 Nov 2013

OK, why did I decide to watch this movie again? I admit that I loved Jingle All the Way as a really young kid, but now, as The Movie King, and after a long absence from watching this, the truth finally comes out. While Jingle All the Way is entertaining in places, the plot is painfully stupid and mostly unfunny, there's quite a bit of flaws that do not really make any sense, and the film tells the worst message you could ever hear around the holiday season.

It's Christmas Eve, and salesman, and father, Howard Langston (Ahnold Schwarzenegger), is in a dilemma. He has a poor habit of avoiding his family, and he forgot to buy his son Jamie (Jake Lloyd, a couple of years before playing Anakin Skywalker in the infamous Star Wars prequel) a Turboman action figure, which is the most popular toy of the season. So Howard goes out on the 24th to find the toy for his son, but realizes that finding one is harder than it looks, especially when he faces competition from the insane postman Myron (Sinbad).

The film also features Rita Wilson as the wife of the former "Terminator", Phil Hartman as Ted, the annoying single neighbor with a crush on said wife, Robert Conrad as a police officer who constantly catches Arnold in the worst places, James Belushi as a black market Santa Claus, and Martin Mull has a small role as a radio DJ.

What did I find good in Jingle All the Way? Well, for one thing, the two lead actors, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad, are actually entertaining in their roles. Arnold has a couple of entertaining lines (particularly "IT'S TURBO TIME!" and "PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN! NOW!") and Sinbad cracks me up in scenes of comedic speeches (especially his belief that the toy companies are evil operations). Some of the slapstick was decently enjoyable, including a situation involving a bomb and the already mentioned black market Santa scene. But the problem with this film is, besides all that, it's not really that funny. The story about two men fighting over a toy gets really dull immediately. The final act, which involves Arnold as a Turboman and Sinbad as a villain in a Christmas parade, is stupidity at the worst level. The visuals are poor and the plot was just a mess. Other than Arnold and Sinbad, who had OK roles in this, besides James Belushi in his small role as the black market Santa and Robert Conrad as the annoyed cop, no one else was that good in this film. Rita Wilson was really annoying as the wife, Phil Hartman was super bad as the annoying lusty neighbor, and the worst offender? Jake Lloyd as the son. To be honest, I actually liked Lloyd as Anakin in Phantom Menace. He wasn't perfect, but he was enjoyable. Here, he was just plain annoying. When he starts whining about Arnold's breaking of promises, I was reminded of why Lloyd didn't last too long, I don't think he can act too well. It's like he was treating this as a school project and didn't put a lot of effort in it.

But that's not the worst part of Jingle All the Way. There were quite a few flaws I found with this film, that I must address:

First, If Sinbad accused the toy industry of being evil operations (even describing them as cartels), then why would you go out to but a toy for your child in the first place?

Second, during the scene with Martin Mull as the DJ, Arnold won a gift certificate to a Turboman, but he still wanted the actual doll. Can't you have given the dumb kid the certificate and finished your hard search once and for all?

And the last issue was during the parade with Arnold as Turboman? How could the wife and kid not know that Arnold was Turboman? Arnold has the most distinctive voice. How could you not recognize it? Man Lloyd must really be stupid after all.

But that's not THE worst thing about Jingle All the Way. The worst thing ever about Jingle All the Way is the message itself. What Jingle All the Way told me was that the best thing to do for Christmas is to go out as the last minute, beat the living daylights out of everyday American citizens, and buy the toy your kid wants most in order to feel happy? That has got to be the ABSOLUTE WORST message I've ever heard in a Christmas film! Have these producers ever watched Miracle on 34th Street or Charlie Brown Christmas? If you have watched these timeless treasures, then we all know that Christmas is truly about the feeling of happiness and spreading good cheer to those who desperately need it. Yeah there was a small heartwarming thing from Jake Lloyd at the tail-end of the film, but if you've seen the extended version, you know that's not the true message of the film.

While there were some small, decently entertaining comedic moments from Ahnold and Sinbad, in the end, Jingle All the Way is wasted by it's annoying supporting cast (particularly Jake Lloyd), a really stupid and absurd plot featuring a forgettable score and poor visuals, and the worst message you could hear in the holiday season, where it's better to waste your day buying last-minute Christmas presents instead of spending time with loved ones. If this message offends you, please skip this film at all-costs. There are far more inspiring and timeless Christmas films out there.