Review of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) by Steve J — 05 Dec 2007

As the name implies, this movie is about Jesus Christ hunting vampires. Early in the movie, we discover that there's a lesbian shortage. We also notice that, unlike traditional vampires, these vamps have no aversion to sunlight. Given the budget of the movie ($7.29, if my calculations are correct), it's easy to assume that night filming was just too expensive, but that's not the case. You see, the vampires are able to walk around during the day thanks to the miracle of LESBIAN SKIN GRAFTS! Lucky for the lesbians, Jesus shows up and proceeds to kick vampire ass with the help of El Santos, a Mexican wrestler, eventually making the world safe once again for lesbians everywhere.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a terrible, terrible movie. But it's got Jesus killing vampires, lesbians, and some of the best character names of any movie ever (Maxine Schreck is my favorite), so it's worth watching at least once, as long as you've got a group of people and plenty of beer.

Oh, and I forgot to mention John the Baptist. He's just freaky.

I'm going to give this movie 3 stars, but to be quite honest I have no idea how I feel about it. It's a terrible, terrible movie, but in a very entertaining way.