Review of Ice Station Zebra (1968) by Zaar D — 09 Sep 2006

RATING (0 to ****): *.

This sentence will be the only mention of Howard Hughes throughout the duration of this review.

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Okay, let's begin.

Ever took a trip on a submarine? Now, ever wonder why you bothered to get on it?

That's the same thing you'll be feeling throughout "Ice Station Zebra", minus whatever excitement there was upon first submerging- because this time, it's not you on the submarine. It's you watching an equally-bored military crew on a submarine. Match that with the film's excessively boring story, its equally dull characters, and even more unappealing cinematography and sets.

One would think if they were going to present this in Cinerama, they'd do their best to make it look great. Nope. Not this time. I suppose that, since this was the last film to be presented in the format, they really wanted to convince people that it wouldn't be missed. You try explaining the obviously-on-a-soundstage sets without much detail, the cheap miniature effects, and the cinematography that's always in a tilt whenever it's not overexposed.

The only thing left to make this horrifically-paced film even worse than it already is? The highly repetitive musical score. While there were plenty of other scores around this time period which specialized in repetition ("Lawrence of Arabia", "A Fistful of Dollars"), there wasn't any good in this one to begin with. It continues to irritate in a film that couldn't have been more irritating.

Saving grace? At least, on the R1 DVD I watched of the film, the sound mix wasn't done so outrageously loud. Just turn the volume level down to where the alarm sounds are at an indoor voice, and this is ever the cure for insomnia. On the other hand, "Russian Ark" is probably better for this purpose- it contains no noises to potentially wake its sleeping audience up.

The film ends on a conclusion that is just as unspectacular as the main body of the film. The good news is, you won't care in the least- you'll just be glad it's over.

To think that this was the film that pulled "2001: A Space Odyssey" out of Cinerama venues. While I wouldn't call "2001" the greatest film of all time, that film's sleepiest, slowest and quietest moments spoke more than the ultra-talky "Ice Station Zebra" did in its ridiculously-long 145-minute duration.

Oh yes, and if you hated that film, there were still visuals and detailed sets to admire.