Review of I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009) by Chads. — 10 Jul 2009

"I Love You, Beth Cooper" is sort of like "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist", but without any of Michael Cera or Kat Dennings' hipster cool. Songs by Against Me and The Hives come off sounding inorganic in the film's respective car scenes, because no matter how fast Beth Cooper(Hayden Panettiere) drives, neither the cheerleader nor the "Star Wars"-obsessed nerd seem cool enough for either band.

Working within the parameters of its PG-13 rating, the film relies a lot on Beth's reckless proclivity for speed, much like the Prince song "Little Red Corvette"("baby you're much too fast"), as a metaphor for her latent sexuality.

"I guess I shoulda known by the way u parked your car sideways that it wouldn't last," observed the pre-emancipated, pre-unpronouncable icon, pre-purple dynamo circa 1982, who knew exactly how Denis Cooverman(Paul Rust) felt in the ensuing moments after Beth parks her Yaris(not sideways, alas, in a lot) outside a convenience store.

When the sales clerk refuses to sell her alcohol, she propositions him: a kiss for the beer, which sounds conspicuously tame coming from a girl who has "hello" embroidered on her panties. Back in the car, Denis' horrified reaction to this Production Code era bit of hanky panky between two horny teenagers seems overblown.

To avoid an R rating, "I Love You, Beth Cooper" unintentionally reverts to the social mores of the fifties, contrary to its contemporary trappings. Beth is fast, but not fast enough. To Denis' horror, Beth made the first move; she kissed the clerk, for a lousy six-pack of beer.

Just imagine his reaction if the film wasn't so coy, and his dream girl did something more provocative than "suck face for two seconds". It's interesting how the erotic limitations of a PG-13 rating allows Denis to remake the sexually active Beth into a virgin.