Review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) by Lisa L — 03 Jun 2012

It took me three tries to get from the beginning to the end of this film. Is GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra really THAT bad? To set the record straight, yes, I am a HUGE fan of GI JOE. Larry Hama is a BIG hero of mine, and I spent much of my childhood and adult life completely engulfed in his storytelling.

He brought GI JOE to life in the 1980's, and he even (although very loosely) inspired the famous retro cartoon of the same namesake. So, yes, GI JOE had big shoes to fill. However, with the sheer disappointment and absolute disgust of how retched Micheal Bay's "Transformer" movies turned out, my expectations were very, very, very low for GI JOE.

Now, before I bring out my dissection tools, let me give this film a few praises. Some of the concepts were fascinating. For example, Zartan, the master of disguise, has his abilities to become someone else enhanced with the use of nano technologies.

Pretty cool. The Vipers were also enhanced with nano technology, making them very difficult to destroy. Again, interesting idea. And, some of the plot points were intriguing. Destro using NATO funding to create a weapon agent, only to steal it back for his own uses was a good idea.

There are a few fun moments laced here and there. Even a few nods to the original series that inspired the toyline, comic book and retro TV show. As a fanboy, I can really admire that. But where GI JOE really started to lose me was the first act.

We learn that Baroness was engaged to Duke. What? Really? And then, to make this world more claustrophobic and more coincidental, Duke is also best friends with Cobra Commander. What? Really? Damon Waynes toned down his act a lot for this film, so he was only a little annoying.

I guess this allowed him time to develop a relationship with Scarlett. What? Really? Isn't DUKE and Scarlett (and even a little Snake Eyes) suppose to be a thing? Oh, wait. They can't do that since Duke is married to the Baroness.

I can go on and on, but I won't. Snake Eyes's ninja costume looks like it's a giant condom wIth a mouth. Stormshadow's costume is so tight, he looks like he struggles to even walk, much less fight-or move around like the hardcore ninja he is suppose to be.

The girl who plays COVERGIRL is so bad, that I was literally cringing at every forced line of dialogue she spat out. The vehicle designs were just silly and unimaginative. The action scenes were over the top and borderline silly.

This movie is a disappointment at best. No where near the mess that Michael Bay's Transformers is, but still this is a bad movie anyway you look at it. A big disappointment. I'm hoping the sequel has more meat on the bone that Rise of Cobra.