Review of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009) by Philip C — 21 Dec 2010

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is The Christmas Carol in disguise! Surprise! Oh, you thought it was obvious too? Well that ruins any and all suspense of the film! Here, let me backtrack for the uninitiated.

So basically Matthew McConaughey plays a "sleezy womanizing playboy photographer" who gets to take pictures of scores of beautiful women all in varying states of undress (like lingerie). He just gets involved with women by having sex with them, and then leaving the next morning without ever saying goodbye.

He's a real "man's man", well according to him and his playboy uncle played by a completely wasted Michael Douglas. McConaughey is so sleezy that he brakes up with three gorgeous women (count it, THREE GORGEOUS WOMEN) over the webcam and a computer (while his next "conquest" is sitting on his couch), yeah he's got some balls to do that.

So that's the setup, then he ends up at his younger brother's (Breckin Meyer, whatever happened to him? I thought he was always a likeable guy, anyway) wedding to Lacey Chabert of Mean Girls fame).

And there at the wedding rehearsal he meets Jennifer Garner, his long time love who's the maid of honour (lots of hot women indeed). Both McConaughey and Garner were deeply in love in the past but then he "did what he does best" and "left the next morning", so now she's bitter about it but also won't admit that she still has deep feelings for the man (sappy stuff I know).

So yeah, he's a chauvinistic pig, they all think he's a jerk, then he meets the ghost of his dead uncle played by the aforementioned Douglas in a COMPLETELY throwaway role. The only thing that could have possibly possessed him to take it was money (oh the all-too-common "cashgrab").

Douglas tells him that he's going to be visited by three ghosts...ah who am I kidding? Just watch A Christmas Carol so I don't have to explain it anymore. Now as you may have noticed I gave the film a paltry 20%, and what did I give that for? Well, 10% goes to all of the girls that he photographs in lingerie because they were all smoking hot.

And the other 10% goes to Jennifer Garner who's not only super sexy but a great actress, too bad she's in this piece of garbage. Now for the bad, and there's a lot of it. As previously mentioned it's very very very very very very very loosely based on A Christmas Carol and therein lies the problem.

While yeah I like the idea of it, I mean who wouldn't? Going back to the past, listening in on the present and seeing into the future would be totally awesome, but this film lacks any and all tension or suspense.

It's a sugar-coated Christmas Carol and EVERYBODY has seen that movie (or one form of it) so EVERYBODY knows what's going to happen the ENTIRE time. It's cliched, predictable, formulaic, genuinely uninteresting, dull and rather lifeless.

And even if you haven't ever been exposed to A Christmas Carol (well then something is deeply wrong with you), look no further than the genre it falls under. It's a "Hollywood Romantic Comedy" (or rom-com, because that's so clever, not.

..) so yeah, they all have a structure and this one's no different. There's no imagination here, ingenuity or cleverness, it's all played by the book. Matthew McConaughey is a decent actor who's basically hit and miss, here though he's kinda in the middle (and as a sidenote, I think this is the only film he's ever been in where he didn't take off his shirt, that's weird, it's a chick-flick and he's not shirtless, I would have thought that they would have pandered to the female mind a bit more.

..) The film is labeled partly as a "comedy", but there's nothing funny about the film at all. And as far as the "romantic" part goes, well yeah there is some of it at the end. But nobody really cares because to make a romance on screen work, you need TENSION, you need SUSPENSE! You need to believe in the two as a couple and want to see them succeed but also to have this creeping doubt crawl up your spine at the prospect that they MAY not make it, that they may NOT end up together.

You want bad things to happen so that you can believe that they'll be able to fix it at the end. But this film doesn't do that, you know they'll get back together, the whole bloody trailer gives it away! I'm sure, they look cute together, I'll give them that, but just "being cute" doesn't cut it.

And finally, there was one scene in particular that annoyed the most (don't worry, I'm not spoiling anything because it's in the trailer). So McConaughey wants to get drunk and opens up a wine bottle, he pops off the cork and it hits one of the stands on the cake, so he hurriedly rushes over to grab it to keep it upright.

He finds the missing stand, lying there on the ground, tries to reach for it with his leg but can't, so he decides to grab the open wine bottle on the counter with his foot so that he can keep the cake propt up.

So of course it inevitably falls, the bride rushes in and screams and cries, thus compounding the sheer disgust and/or contempt that everyone there has for him. Seriously? Are you guys serious? No person in their right mind would ever be that pathetically stupid or moronic.

Yeah, all the people in the other room don't like him, sure, but if he tried a little thing called "Calling For Help" I'm sure at least one person (it doesn't matter who it is) would gladly pick up the stand and replace it with McConaughey's support.

Really? Is that so difficult that you can't yell out for help. Really? It boggles my mind how idiotic that scene was, sure you get a cheap laugh out of the bride's reaction, but that's as close as your going to get to being amused with this film.