Review of Geostorm (2017) by Luciusmcgibbon — 31 Jan 2018

I've always had a soft spot for global disaster movies, between the recurring karmic overtones of our environment turning against us, the dramatic imagery and the insanely high stakes (read: world, the.) I can even see value in the more gratuitous schlock factor of the Armageddons and 2012's of the world, but this movie here... I can't. Other movies would at least try and make the whole disaster scenario plausible, if only via layman-acceptable pseudo-science. "Oh, neutrinos are suddenly interacting with the Earth's crust? Fine, I'll bite, just don't tell Stephen Hawking." Even the most bombastic rollercoaster flick can add some backbone with even a partially fleshed out principle behind all that destruction. In Geostorm, there is no such backbone. Instead of "comsos rains destruction!" or "human meddling makes Earth stop spinning!" or even "global warming goes berzerk!" we get "guy invents thing that controls weather (because satellites,) other guy hijacks it for dastardly plot." Hell, nature is barely even a player in the story, just a side-effect brought on by the true mcguffin that is the big weather-maker-space-thing. Does it work by manipulating air pressures? Focusing microwaves? Shooting electromagnetic monkeys out of its space butt? We'll never know.

It's not even so much a disaster movie as it is a tame cross between a Harrison Ford political thriller and Gravity (sans Harrison Ford or any remotely creative cinematography) with a bunch of big, splashy set pieces thrown in for that blockbustery aftertaste. And that's just it: instead of being big, impressive high points that leave a mark on the viewer and help build a tense narrative, the disaster scenes are so random and unmoored from any feasible logic that they fall flat against the backdrop of the actual plot, leaving only a vague aftertaste at best. Tornadoes! Flash-freezing in the desert! Cities exploding from under people's feet! Hail the size of Buicks! By the time the obligatory tsunami scene rolls around, you can only slap yourself for not seeing it coming a mile away.

As if this movie wasn't devoid enough of substance, expect to find some of the most tired big movie tropes spread all across this thing too. From the old "countdown to Armageddon" to the always trite "father promise daughter," by way of yet another high-speed shootout (but with all this lightning n' stuff!) you're guaranteed to cringe once or twice. The real tragedy is that, against all logic, Geostorm did hold my attention... and I don't know of a movie that's ever done so with such a sustained lack of payoff. Not only is it pretty bad, but it tricked me into watching it to the end.

I give it a 3, with extra points for having President Andy Garcia.

And no, Dana, it's actually not "you and I.