Review of Geostorm (2017) by Skulb — 14 Sep 2018

Even by the remarkably low standards of American movies, this is an extraordinarily stupid movie. In fact, there is stiff competition for the film's internal stupidity award. At first you think that the ludicrous "science" the movie seems to take seriously will run away with the win. But then you notice the atrocious "acting" and hammy dialog, and the race is back on. But to the astute viewer a dark horse should appear at some point in the appallingly inaccurate portrayal of American politics and the kind of swine who are now the only ones who could possibly become American presidents. If we're lucky he's a mindless party hack. If not, a crazed ideologue bent on world war. But, lo and behold and extreme sphincter contracting shock, the president is a hero in Geostorm. Who would have thunk it? Hollywood never does that angle to death, right? But this is not all, lest you are still not convinced. Cars explode as if they are not just loaded with explosives but actually built from them. Pompous music blares loudly over everything, because otherwise us poor peasants wouldn't know how to feel about things, there is a tacked on family intrigue as if people who build space stations and work in governments are real people instead of soulless sociopaths. There is even an unrealistic ninja woman, exactly like in The Matrix, except not good. And guns have unlimited ammunition. Hooray! And sprinkled on top are all the movie cliches in the world, from the main characters appear to die but are "surprisingly" hiding off camera to surprise the villain cliche to the blase banter that all Hollywood couples for some reason engage in, but which never actually happens in the real world cliche. And everything in between obviously: Door stops bullets cliche, the patriotic self sacrifice cliche, heroic president cliche as I mentioned, driving backwards while shooting a handgun at a pursuing vehicle cliche, speaking in code to fool the evildoers cliche, etc, etc ,etc. Trust me, it's jam packed with all the cliches you could possibly think of. I gave up counting due to extreme lack of interest at around 40. And they are not subtle either. They are completely over the top, with cue music for the dullards watching, as if things weren't already super obvious enough. GAAH!

I'm sorry, but I'm burned out now. There are just so many idiotic things about Geostorm that I have a headache from trying to remember all of them. And not only that, but it is more globalist propaganda, evidently aimed at the lowest common denominator, to put it politely. The people who made this movie, whose names I refuse to remember, and for that matter anyone who takes any part of it seriously in any way, should be shot out into space themselves as a matter of public sanitation. If anyone recommends that you watch this movie, quickly empty the nearest available beverage over their heads and never speak to them again.

I need a liedown.