Review of Future War (1997) by Larry C — 24 Apr 2014

Surely the byproduct of someone's attempt to combine the magic of "Jurassic Park", "Terminator" and the immortal "Time Cop", but without James Cameron/Steven Spielberg and with only $3.50 to spend on special effects and a Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonator to be cast as the protagonist, "Future War" is about an escaped human slave from somewhere in outer space in the future seeking refuge on Earth in present day LA after fleeing his cyborg masters. If the real Van Damme is "The Muscles from Brussels", this guy must be "The Derp From Antwerp" (good one, Larry). Anyways, the plot revolves around the poor man's Van Damme being followed by mustachioed cyborgs with Predator vision and their trained exploding Tyrannosaurus Rex trackers (I shit you not) as they try to hunt him down and bring him back to his life of indentured servitude in space (or kill him, I dunno, it wasn't clear). With the help of a prostitute-turned-nun and a local street gang, they must fight for their lives and for the fate of the Earth. If you get off looking at corrugated boxes and/or unnecessarily elaborate piping, then I have good news for you.

It's always funny when you see a movie and figure it came out around a certain year (1982) because of the special effects but then it turns out that it came out 15 years later (1997). This is that movie. Even if Jurassic Park never existed prior to this it would still be ridiculous. Depression-era stop-motion film makers would never stop making fun of the special effects in this movie. Anyways, aside from everything I just said and the fact that a movie called "Future War" is neither set in the future nor features an actual war, it was fun to watch for all the unintentional comedy, and the unexpected emergence of Robert Z'Dar and his jaw (twice in a row!) again.