Review of Fire Birds (1990) by Allen G — 21 Mar 2013

The quotation on the front of the DVD says it all: "If you enjoyed Top Gun, you'll have a great time". That's clearly movie-promotion-talk for "This film is trying to be Top Gun but it's not as good, or good at all".

It's just all so typical and bleeeugh, it's been done many, many times before and this isn't one of the times that it's been done well. It's the kind of script that you could write during a long session on the toilet. You should watch this one while on the toilet actually- at least then you aren't wasting time watching it while you could be outside or something. (I dunno, just avoid it okay.).

It's got that entirely-unintentional comedic 80's vibe (even if it is 1990) and it's just so badly written that we almost have a comedy here. It's not enough though, it's mostly painfully bad as opposed to pleasantly bad.

The performances are all typical really- Jones does nothing memorable and I genuinely believe Cage was treating this film as a joke more than anything else. It could almost be similar to Con Air in that sense but Con Air is awesome (It just is okay!) whereas this is not. It's really not.

I knew this would be baaddd but on my quest to see all of Nicolas Cage's films I eventually had to watch this one sometime. It's certainly a low-point of my Cage experience- thank God it has some comedy in it.

"I'd love to nail it." - Whoever Nicolas Cage plays in this bad, bad movie.

"You've still got your brains in your cockpit" - Whoever Young plays in this bad, bad movie.

Also, Tommy Lee Jones eats a choc-ice in one scene. For some reason that's hilarious.

There are plenty of other comedy moments, especially if you are a fan of Cage. Okay, one more you ask?

Cage with panties covering his face while driving a truck and being shouted at by Tommy Lee Jones about how smooth a babies' bottom is.

You've had your fun now so don't bother watching the film. I reward it for it's comedy but everything else about it is badddd.

I've played Sega Master System helicopter games that are better in every single area than this movie. There's no Nic Cage in them though I guess. So yeah, get a Master System and find a helicopter game and play it while listening to the Top Gun soundtrack with the lights out instead of watching this- obviously an awesome plan.

WELCOME TO THE DANGER ZONE.

DANGER ZONE.

*sigh* I miss the 80s, even if I wasn't born till after them.