Review of Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) by Gareth H — 08 Feb 2016

Today's forecast calls for record heat in this balls-to-the-wall romance. This film is not for the faint of heart, but neither is Viagra. I would urge everyone to handle with caution.

This film has proven to be the Dominant in the box office, and it will make audiences at home bend over too with the DVD release. What is all the hype about? Well, put your muzzle on and let me tell you, you dirty pervert.

Anastasia Steele is a young, intelligent college student with an awkward nature that will melt your heart. When her roommate falls ill on the cusp of a rare interview with the powerful Christian Grey, Anastasia reluctantly takes her place. What transpires on that day changes her life forever.

Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, is not surprisingly a deep and perplexing character. He is in good shape, and yet you see him eating simple carbs and drinking wine throughout the movie. The film does not insult your intelligence in this regard, however. Instead, it lets you infer that he is Captain America. How else can he run a multi-billion dollar corporation, maintain a physique to Olympian perfection and, most importantly, court the elusive Anna?

At least one-third of the film's eroticism comes from Danny Elfman's score. The dulcet tones recall shades of Pee Wee's big adventure, which is another erotic masterpiece.

In all, I believe that Fifty Shades of Grey will go down as the greatest family film in history. Just wait for the kids to bed, and then call your cousins, your aunt and uncle, your mother, her cousin, and maybe even your grandpa. Just make sure they're old enough to watch the erotic hi-jinx ensue.