Review of Fifty Shades Darker (2017) by Nathan R — 13 Feb 2017

The last time I thought the words "Oh, god, not another sex scene" was when I read the crappy book. Just like in the book, the sex scenes add nothing, mean nothing, and ultimately, are nothing. It's just the same thing on repeat, in different positions and locations.

Now that I got that one part everyone sees this movie for out of the way... I want to comment on Jamie Dornan. He seems like he's trying in this movie, but every time he speaks one of Christian's god-awful lines, I just grimace. It's so painfully unconvincing-- and this isn't the fault of Dornan. It's E. L. James' terrible writing, which somehow snuck into the script. No man or woman can naturally deliver the lines in those books.

The same was true for Dornan in the first movie, but I at least sort of bought what he was trying to say-- especially when he snapped and yelled.

As for the movie... it's bad. Not ALL bad. Just plain bad. They tried as desperately as they could to make a whole film out of a book about literally nothing but two people being rich together and screwing each other. That couldn't be an easy task.

With that said... it somehow still wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen. It's worse than the first film, but it's still not as bad as I thought it would be. A couple of moments had me genuinely laughing, and it was better than the book. Not by much, mind you, as it was still mostly pretty boring. But it was still far more tolerable to watch than it ever was to read. Like, for example, it was quicker to get through, and I didn't have to hear Ana's idiotic thoughts through the whole thing.

Just as in the book, Christian has lapsed into a pretty standard, boring, run-of-the-mill guy. What made him even the slightest bit interesting in the first book and movie was his demanding personality. He loses all of that in the subsequent books/films and turns into a total wimp. At times it was even embarrassing to witness. What E. L. James failed to recognize was that what made Christian interesting before was the sort of life he led and the lengths he would go to to keep what he wants. Once you chuck that out, who is he? He's certainly not the same character.

The Fifty Shades books and films are a "so bad they're really bad, and then they're kind of funny, and then you want to puke" flavor. You'll probably laugh at them and be entertained (if you're seeing it for a reason other than to have your wet dream of being stalked by a rich dude fulfilled), so it's not a total waste. Just be warned: you might fall asleep at certain points.