Review of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) by Timeofthechimps — 23 Jan 2016

Oh jesus. Dr. Doom is unfrozen and is somehow still alive after he was burned with scorching heat and hit with powerful force fields, which makes no sense. The Silver Surfer unfreezes and restores him because he can stop the fart cloud version of Galactus somehow. Predictably, Doom turns on everyone later, after the government starts to trust him over the Fantastic Four, because apparently no one thought to tell them who was causing the big fight with lightning in the middle of New York in the last movie. Of course, the Silver Surfer is captured and Doom steals his board. Apparently, Von Doom can develop technology to control liquid metal alien boards within a couple of days. Brilliant.

Later, Johnny Storm has switched powers with several of the FF team. A ferris wheel is falling, and Johnny of course tries to save them. He does absolutely nothing wrong, but Reed tells him to stop because he's dangerous somehow. What? In another scene, the Four are told to stay in a government monitored room. Johnny asks a soldier outside the door for food while Sue turns invisible and sneaks out. Also, there's a security camera directly at the back of the room that should see Sue doing this, but nope, it doesn't. The same thing happens when the FF escape and talk to the Surfer. The room isn't monitored for plot reasons.

The final battle is my favourite in the movie, because it's so unintentionally hilarious. Doom does battle with the Four, and Sue Storm is stabbed and killed when Doom throws a metal pole, conjured from the board, and hits her in the stomach. She dies horribly, but Reed is the only one that seems to care in any capacity, though no tears come out of his eyes whatsoever and his emotion subsides after just two minutes. Also, Johnny is Sue's brother, but when she's killed, he appears apathetic to the whole situation, because he flies after the Surfer and grabs onto his board, enthusiastically yelling "Need a hand?" During this scene, the pole disappears from Sue's body, but she doesn't bleed out in minutes somehow. How convienient. The Surfer later confronts not-Galactus and destroys him, causing Sue to revive even though her wound shouldn't heal because the parts of the city damaged by the board don't fix at all. Great plot, brilliant.

Overall, this movie makes no sense whatsoever and manages to be even more awful than the first, against all odds. This should serve as an example how NOT to make a superhero film for every aspiring director. Hopefully, Sony doesn't make anoth-OH GOD. "F4NTASTIC". Why? Please, burn Sony in an acid vat right now.