Review of End of Days (1999) by Christopher G — 31 Jan 2013

Okay, let me start by saying that if there were an option to give this movie 2.5 stars, I would have. Even still, I did decide to round down so take that for what it's worth. Look, not to get off subject, but I believe we really need a new way of rating movies.

The scale seems so absolute and broad in it's scope. Sure there are some universal qualities that movies should be on the hook for to be considered a "good movie", but a little more clout needs to be given to how a movie stacks up against it's peers.

So if I like foreign vintage zombie tragicomedies, which are unlikely to show up in the AMA Top 100, I'd still like to know the best of my accepted worse. Not alway in the mood to watch an Oscar-winner.

So, we know when feel like a watching a bad movie... and End of Days is a good bad movie to watch. It's not a jaw-dropper. But among the clues that this one is walking away empty-handed... ... ...

It has Arnold Schwarzenegger in it... and he's set in a pseudo-religious storyline. Set and match. Lower your expectations and dig in. The movie is well paced, if a bit slow and the characters are deep as a piece of gum.

Still, watching Arnold try to be a good man of the law is fun, the tone is dark enough to take it seriously, and it stays simple and unassuming. Spoilers ahead. I would have given this flick 3 stars if they totally rewrote, reshot and reedited the last 15 minutes of the film.

That's where things went wrong quickly. I'm looking over the half-assed inclusion of a secret order of satan worshippers that served no purpose whatsoever and ruined the cool low key vibe the movie maintained up to that point.

Instead, I'll focus on the big boys - the subway fiasco, the devil himself, the Jedi ghost visit, and Arnold - Warrior of Jesus. In that order-- So Arnold is throwing his fists on Gabriel Byrne as 'The Man / Satan' in the subway during the penultimate battle of the film.

Possessed Dean Keaton vs the T-800. Good enough. Arnold and protectee Christine hop on a train to escape a satan's fanboy meet-up group. Shortly thereafter, the devil gives chase and Arnold effortlessly convinces a veteran subway operator to totally disregard human life, and Satan, in a man's body, tries to stop the flankspeed train with a spooky stare and gets totally destroyed.

Well, by that and a follow-up grenade. Grenade precipitates a massive cliche subway wreck complete with the 'high-speed accordian-ization while actors run towards camera' bit. They escape with slightly tattered clothes, leave the subway, and emerge smack in front of the church where they needed to be?! Lucky.

So while all this is forgivable it marks a stark course change in how the movie feels. Without his body, the devil is able to turn to steam and home right in on them inside the church (an ability he seemed curiously without for the entire film to this point.

) after a few beers, the writer and director decide to blow the underspent effects budget in a massive Lucifer eruption through pews A through K. Not a bad rendition of the Dark Prince, just...might have been a little too grand for this film.

Plus, talk about last minute character shrinkage-- any lingering faith that Kindergarten Cop could win the day was now missing and last seen sitting in the fifth row. I would have even bet against him if Arnold called upon the power of the Megazord or turned into a T-rex.

And! Don't do a big monster reveal at the end if there's been none of it yet. It forces the audience to evacuate their bowels of patronage quicker than second day Taco Bell. That's all beside the fact that the hellion muscle flex wasn't even needed because Mr Devil Man quickly possesses Arnold anyway! (Budget blown.

) I would have been just as happy if the devil skipped the cake pop out and pulled the ole apparition steam in the ear body hijack. Moving on. Just prior to that mayhem, Arnold gets a pointless, out-of-the-blue visit from the apparitions of his wife and daughter.

Sweet, but they're gone before Arnie finishes trying to smile. "Good luck hun. Gonna go watch Conan. Peace out." Was that God's work? Perhaps the writers intended it as gift from God to give Arnold strength? And if so.

... Where's God at this point? Hey God, you comin'? Is he layin' low?; pitching small bones such as visions of loved ones but too lazy to put his slippers on and stop Earth from being transformed into hell? It's all just running of the rails by this point and most of the interest earned so far feels squandered.

But nothing wrecks the end of this film quite like Armold, suddenly undergoing an entire movie's worth of character growth in the timespan and with the facial expression of getting an enema. The cold, believe-in-nothing, only once vaguely hinted at having been a previously religious character becomes a god-fearing martyr willing to throw himself onto the sword of a falling angel to rid the world of the satanic threat.

Sure, it's buyable in theory considering going mano y mano with the Prince of Darkness would even stir up the last shreds of penitence in Spongebob, but I'm left not buying it. Arnold has reached beyond his comfort zone and leaves an intended moment of change and rediscovered reverence feeling more like a God power up.

I was shocked that he didn't make the sign of the cross and say a Hail Mary but I guess that would be pushing it. Arnold makes the ultimate sacrifice with a surprising dearth of throaty screams. Satan fails and takes the walk of shame back through the floor.

Give it a watch or a re-watch End of Days if you're in the mood for easy viewing. Just save yourself a few minutes and turn it off after the Devil gets yanked out the window.