Review of Embrace of the Vampire (2013) by Aaron L — 06 Feb 2008

Wow. I think by saying that this is softcore vampire porn you've pretty much nailed it on the head. A frat boy would sum it up as "shite movie, smashing boobs." In honour of this preoccupation with sex, I shall now apply sexual anecdotes to this film...

The plot is so hollow that there is no real climax, just a premature ejaculation. There is no cinematography, just shots cheap as a $5 hooker. I honestly think that I've seen actual porno movies with better dialogue. One of them starred Belladonna, I believe, and it was about hauntings and ghosts. Need I mention the scene where the chick gets dumped by her boyfriend (or does he simply dump her for not bumping uglies? I don't know), so she gets all slutty in a red dress and comes to some fancy bourgeois party, which suddenly becomes a gothic orgy where chicks are making out with gay bikers.

And then there's the demonization of sex in here. Apparently, the vampire has to deflower Alyssa Milano before she turns 18 or he "goes to sleep forever." Great. Now we've got a paedophile vampire, in addition to Alyssa's horny boyfriend, the lesbian across the hall, and those gay bikers! With all the thinly veiled denials of sex, I had a feeling that some stoned hyper-religious perverted zealots wrote the script, and borrowed copious amounts of North Korean propaganda dialogue to get their point across.

"Only American Yankee bastards have premarital sex--remember it!".

Honestly, this movie makes me want to do drugs. I wish that I smoked pot so that I could have giggled myself silly, but all I could really do was sit there and say, "ah, Allysa Milano is making out with a chick. That's neat." And it was neat, even though I'm not an Alyssa Milano nut like my dearest friends.

And by the way, it would have made things SO much better had Nicholas Cage played the vampire. And we do need some Cradle of Filth and Danzig on the soundtrack.