Review of DOA: Dead or Alive (2006) by David G — 02 Aug 2010

OK this one was bad, but y'know, it's not like I expected anything else. I knew where this movie was going the second I clapped eyes on the epic bra maneuver in the trailer. Still, I'll always have a soft spot for these super-cheesy action films and for me it's all about making fun of 'em!

So where to begin? The plot? Well let's just say I never realised just how much of a non-event plots are in fighting games until I saw this movie. Sure there's a bunch of rubbish tacked on to give the punch-ups some meaning but it's all laughable crap straight out of the plot-o-matic 3000! Also I must mention that I was having the worst case of deja vu ever. Can't imagine why that could have been... *coughmortalkombatcough*. One other thing this movie made me realise was that you really don't need any actual fighting ability at all to be in an action flick, wires and editing are your friends. Kane Kosugi who played Hayabusa and of course Collin Chou (Hayate) were the only ones who really seemed to know what they were doing, though sadly the latter's role was very limited.

Some parts of the movie were genuinely fun like Steve Howey's computer geek Weatherby and Zack (Brian J. White) had an amusing line or two, however most of it was just your classic Bad Movie (tm), although in this case the specialised variant - the Bad Video Game Movie (tm). Extravagant sets with huge banks of monitors full of brightly coloured graphics, the stupid attempts to tie in with the game itself (an announcer saying "KO!" when a match ends) and the terrible attempts to emulate the game characters - I mean you just need to look at the cast list - Holly Valance [!], Kevin Nash [!!]... Special mention has to be made of Natassia Malthe as Ayane - yep, she looks Japanese. With a couple of exceptions the fights are lame (wire-fu alert), the special effects are lamer and the less said about the gags and stunts (wires again) the better, though I can't help but mention the moment right at the start where Kasumi (a rather dull and lifeless Devon Aoki) vaults over the wall of her Japanese... I don't know what you call it, palace? into freefall down the mountainside whereupon she activates a random set of extendable wings on her back [!] lolwut? I guess she always walks around with emergency extendable wings on - as you you - never know when you may need to jump off a mountain. Also why do they seem to be stuck in feudal times when the story is set in the preset day? And what exactly is she a princess of? Well either way for a feudal Japanese princess she seems to be strangely fond of sunbathing and bikinis, and she's pretty handy at volleyball too.

OK, yes I'm hella ragging on DOA but it invites it with every fibre in its being and like I said, for me that's what it's all about. I knew DOA was going to be bad but I wanted to watch it for that very reason and it didn't let me down one little bit. Still, I'd been putting off buying the DVD until it was at a reasonable price, and while I still think I got ripped off, I don't think I'm not going to do much better than £2. ;).