Review of DOA: Dead or Alive (2006) by Thequietgamer — 10 May 2020

Tries to distract you from its sloppy action and bad acting with T 'n' A. While a defining aspect of the Dead or Alive games has always been how sexualized their fighters are, the series has survived on more than just jiggle physics alone. The developers at Team Ninja crafted a genuinely competitive and high-quality battle system that has allowed the franchise to remain one of the most notable names in the genre for years. This film adaptation fails to capture the same thrill of combat however, as the actors seem to have been selected based on their looks and willingness to show some skin as opposed to having any actual skill in martial arts.

Leaning more heavily on the sex appeal to try and cover this up wasn't necessarily a bad idea, but there's only so much tantalizing you can do with a PG-13 rating and panning shots over women in swimsuits aren't enough to draw attention away from the flaws when they're this glaring. It fails at being a successful homage to Hong Kong action cinema as I was more interested in a single volleyball sequence that served as a nice reference to Tecmo's pervier spin-off titles than I was in any of the shoddy displays of wire fu. Then there's the story and tone to think about...

The plot is about as predictable as you can get. A bunch of competitors get invited to an island tournament and, big surprise, the rich dude throwing it together exploits them for his own ulterior (and incredibly obvious) motives. There are several supporting narratives running alongside this that only serve to muddy things up to the point where it actually feels like there's too much going on and never end up going anywhere interesting. Like, did any time seriously need to be dedicated to watching Zack sexually harass Tina Armstrong? I think not.

As often as ridiculousness can be a bad movie's best friend by allowing them to become something stupidly fun, there are plenty in the same vein as this one that go too far with it and look even dorkier than they otherwise would have. The film immediately opens over a terrible CGI palace in what appears to be feudalistic Japan where Devon Aoki is giving a horrendous performance before literally flying over it's walls and revealing she has some kind of futuristic hang glider backpack hidden under her kimono. It's an incredibly jarring way to start things off and to its fault doesn't get any less absurd or goofy from there.

Despite all that's wrong with it I can't not give DOA credit for having all female leads. This is far from the height of feminism, but it at least lets the women be strong AND sexy while carrying a style of film usually headlined by men. Sadly, it isn't steamy or well-choreographed enough to act as a good vehicle for them, lagging behind the likes of Lara Croft and Resident Evil to a staggering degree. Not just on the empowerment front, but as a representation of video games onscreen as well. Plus, those films even did a better job of serving their intended purpose of arousing the excitement of teenage boys with more impressive displays of flesh and violence. All that's left for this to offer is disappointment.

4.