Review of Diamonds Are Forever (1971) by Jose Miguel G — 03 Nov 2015

Wow, this is just terrible. Besides not feeling like a Bond movie until about halfway through, the opening was just awful with Bond smiling even though he's supposed to be seeking revenge and grieving for the death of his wife.

Then we got Charles Gray who's not the least bit menacing as Blofeld, another redneck stereotype played by Jimmy Dean and Lana Wood in a glorified cameo that is just insulting to anyone. I mean, she got like 8 minutes of screentime, she's a gold-digging whore for the better part of that time and then instead of being another of Bond's conquests, she gets thrown out of a window.

The next time you see her, she's dead. Her character added nothing to the story and seemed more like the writers forgot to write a second Bond girl into the movie so they just threw her in at the last minute.

Moneypenny, Q and even M all got the shaft with limited screentime as well. The reason for that also being the reason I don't like this movie, Bruce Glover and Putter Smith. They tried the whole "saying shit calmly and in tandem to give the impression that they're badass" but failed on all counts.

What should've been a creepy as hell line reading to give off a cold and calculating presence to the movie was probably the worst acting I've ever seen in a big budget film. They tried to be cool, they failed.

They tried to make it seem as if their shitty line reading was a character trait, they failed. They even tried to kill Bond by poking him with shish kabobs that they set on fire and all that happened was probably the cheesiest death in a Bond movie I've ever seen, all because of Putter's terrible acting.

If it wasn't for Jill St. John looking hella hot in the purple bikini despite the short hair and Connery who even though he was obviously aging and just not into it anymore, still managed to get some great one-liners in and kick some ass, this movie would be a complete waste of time.

Still, Connery, St. John, a few choice moments, a couple of laughs and that awesome theme song make this at least worth a viewing. Plus you can make a drinking game out of it. Take a shot every time you feel like killing yourself because Glover and Putter are onscreen.

I mean, geez...they're just terrible...