Review of Diamonds Are Forever (1971) by Vidyabum — 22 Oct 2021

Having watched 25 Bonds from Dr.No to Skyfall, I place this one at 14/25.

But really, I'm placing it N°1 Austin "Bond" Powers. Diamonds are Forever has one element that makes it unique: a lot of Bond movies are more or less willinglyHaving watched 25 Bonds from Dr.No to Skyfall, I place this one at 14/25.

But really, I'm placing it N°1 Austin "Bond" Powers.

Diamonds are Forever has one element that makes it unique: a lot of Bond movies are more or less willingly comedic. Not Diamonds. This is an utter parody, in ways that you wouldn't believe if I spoiled you.

I haven't laughed this hard at any Bond movie, and truly, it is the original Austin Powers.

The real life story is that Sean Connery was sick of the role by 1967, and quit after You Only Live Twice. He however couldn't find a new role, and was more or less forced to return to EON for a paycheck. And it shooooooows.

Connery does not even pretend to attempt to act. He looks, and very clearly is, a man on a mission: get that paycheck and get out as fast as possible. Now I don't know how EON took that attitude, and if it's the reason why this movie is a complete joke, but it produced one of the best movies of the franchise, if you admit that it's a parody.

Between a main actor that didn't even want to pretend to act, stupid characters with stupid actions, those two (I imagine gay?) assassins couple that acted so oddly and pretty much killed half the planet by the movie's end, the big villain's absolutely, monstrously stupid actions, the lines, oh the silliness of the lines, the Bond girl who must the most accurate depiction of a stupid 17 year old ever, the plot that is mad even for a Bond, the action that must have the most ridiculous enemies ever (fear the horrible pipe melding robot, can you escape its 5km/h?!)...

For the longest time watching this, I had doubts whether it was unwittingly terrible or self-aware.

At the final battle of the movie, Bond, the villain, and the girl, are in the villain's secret lair. The girl is hanging around in a bikini. Bond steals a cassette that controls the villain's superweapon. He exchanges it with a cassette that destroys the superweapon(it's a thing). He shoves the good cassette into her panties for hiding, and goes away escorted by the villain's goons.

Two minutes later, the girl comes in and proudly says "I DID IT, I CHANGED THE CASSETTES!" and we get to see Sean Connery, at the time on the ground on his belly like some old man that fell over, say in the most epic way:

"YOU STUPID TWIT YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING".

There's absolutely no way in hell they didn't know how insane that was. They knew. They knew very well they were making a completely camp parody.

And I'm not even mentioning the beyond-glorious scene of the Space Vehicle that Bond randomly steals and then goes out into the desert with with its little arms flailing about.

Watch this movie, watch it drunk, watch it with friends, and expect hilarity.

As a Bond movie however, this is more like a 0/10.