Review of Deep Rising (1998) by Rt-Ryan . — 12 Jul 2009

In short: Famke Janssen and a gaggle of "that guy"s basically phoning it in for a paycheck.

I don't really watch TV, but every once in a blue moon I'll find myself in a situation when a bit of television provides exactly the kind of entertainment I'm in the mood for. This was not exactly one of those situations.

I was visiting my aunt over the weekend because my cousin and his wife were in town, and when I visit the fam, I tend to stay overnight, because for me, staying with them is like spending a weekend at an all-inclusive resort. On Saturday, after an evening of catching-up and watching a few episodes of Planet Earth on Blu-Ray, everyone had turned in for the night, and I took my place on the living room couch. My aunt had some of the movie channels on DirecTV, so I was browsing through them when I came across the listing for Deep Rising. It was late, I was tired, and when I read the description for the movie (gist: a motley crew of misfits battles a giant sea monster that has taken over a cruise ship), I figured it'd be good, brainless fun, so I switched it over and settled into my fleece blanket.

To be honest, I don't have much in-depth commentary to offer on the movie. It's a pretty by-the-books monster thriller, with all the requisite jump scares and plot conventions that come with the genre. In fact, it was so by-the-books that all elements of suspense were completely negated; none of the scares were effective, and none of the deaths (or survivals) were surprising in the least. The dialogue, acting, special effects, and action sequences were all slathered in cheese, and the story itself is a lazy excuse for an Aliens clone. This is the point where you might find some people saying, "But you know what? I loved every minute of it!" Not so for me. The movie was honestly a bit of a chore to watch.

So why did I continue watching it, you may ask? The answer lies in that common film phenomenon many often refer to as the presence of a "that guy." Except this movie has not one "that guy," but somewhere around six or seven of them, at least for me. Others may recognize a couple of the other peripheral characters, but I'll just run down my list to give you an idea:

1) Wes Studi - "Oh, he's that guy from Dances with Wolves/Last of the Mohicans/every other Native American role! He's The Sphinx from Mystery Men! He's Sagat from Street Fighter!".

2) Cliff Curtis - "Hey, he's that New Zealander who always plays Middle Eastern characters! Except for that time he was in Whale Rider!".

3) Djimon Hounsou - Djimon, digital monsters, Djimons are the champions! Mr. Gladiator/Blood Diamond/In America/"Givess... Uss... FREE!".

4) Jason Flemyng - Wait, isn't that Tom from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels? Dr. Jekyll from LXG? The dude who got busy with women whilst playing The Red Violin?

5) Anthony Heald - Hey, it's that guy from Boston Legal who looks like a grown-up version of Haley Joel Osment.

6) Kevin J. O'Connor - Oh look, it's that guy that Stephen Sommers (Deep Rising's director) also used in The Mummy and Van Helsing. Wait, wasn't he Daniel Day Lewis's fake brother in There Will Be Blood?

7) Derrick O'Connor (no relation to Kevin) - Hey, there's the guy from... wait... Where the hell do I know this guy from?

In short, it was fascinating simply to see these actors, some of whom have done substantially more significant work, sort of just going with the flow and trying (or, maybe, not so much) to make this asinine movie more believable. I actually didn't even realize it was a Stephen Sommers movie at the time, but now that I know, I'm even more fearful for the fate of G.I. Joe.

And that is my takeaway from this movie: Deep Rising ensures that G.I. Joe will suck, in case you weren't already expecting it to.