Review of Dark Phoenix (2019) by Rufusvondufus — 09 Jun 2019

Dragged to see this loathsome wreck by my nephew who hasn't yet developed critical-thinking skills, I found myself desiring to undergo a colonoscopy; at least I'm unconscious for that.

Which may be a great win-win future business-venture: combine colonoscopies for reluctant adults with obnoxiously-woke SJW superhero movies targeting viewers with IQ's less than 50. And that's not to insult people actually born with developmental deficiencies; THEY can't help the way they are. No, I'm talking about allegedly functioning-members of society who intentionally switch off their brains because social-media orders them to. Seriously, I read some of the positive "10 out of 10!!! SQUEEEEE!" reviews. Geez, get a economy-sized drool cup for all that saliva, Skippy.

This movie was directed by Simon Kinberg who wrote the screenplay for 'X-Men Last Stand'. You know, that 3rd movie that was supposed to be directed by the awesome Matt Vaughn but instead went to the hack Brett Ratner? That should set off Defcon-1 Red Alerts to your wallet. AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS...

Sophie Turner: boring. Just because she was on Game of Thrones doesn't justify her yet in a leading role. She needs to seriously pad her resume with at least 5 years of movie roles before doing something this big.

Jennifer Lawrence: jarringly-obnoxious & phoning-it-in. Is she worried that fellow up-and-coming Brie Larson is invading JLaw's man-hating-feminist turf? Too bad James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender were probably forced at legal-gunpoint. Seriously, they have this constant "God-I-wish-I-was-anywhere-else-but-here" looks on their faces throughout this dreck.

And Quicksilver? He gets sidelined for the most of the movie? He was the BEST thing about 'Days of Future Past'.

Jessica Chastain: competing with Brie Larson for Wooden-Plank-Oscar of 2019.

Everybody else: Forgettable. Bland. Invisible.

Honestly, if this is the new Hollywood standard, with ENDLESS nagging political lectures to all you audience rubes about how wise they are, I say, "Sure. Go for broke." And I mean that LITERALLY. Hollywood, I suggest that all superhero movies from now on feature EVERY.SINGLE.MINORITY with a political axe to grind as Gary & Mary Sues: perfect in every way, marching across the screen with all your propaganda packaged as eternal wisdom. And make sure that EVERY moustache-twirling villain from now until Doomsday features a white/conservative/Christian/Alpha male.

I'm sure that will reap gi-normous financial windfalls. As for me, I'm done with movies. A waste of time & money.