Review of Cutting Class (1989) by Brandon D — 23 Jul 2010

25 year old Brad Pitt plays a troubled high school youth in ... DUN DUN DUN ... CUTTING CLASS!

This movie is amazing simply because it exists. It's like Fatal Games meets a watered down version of Heathers. It's also another one of those Scooby Doo plot movies. At the end they pull the mask off of the killer and suddenly I was expecting him to say. "I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling Pitt and his girlfriend." But alas. Instead the killer puts Brad Pitt's head in a vise and says "We always were tight friends.".

This movie is all about the cast in my opinion. Of course there's Brad Pitt as Dwight but there is also Roddy McDowall as the principal. Roddy McDowall has always reminded me of a poor man's Dr. Smith from the 60's Lost in Space. Also appearing in this film is 80's golden boy Martin Mull whom you might remember as Colonel Mustard from Clue. Then there's Neil Stanoff who played the little boy on a tricycle with a fake gun. In one scene he rides his bike unceremoniously to the front door of our lovely lady victim. When she opens the front door he brings his ride to a halt and shoots her with his fake Magnum revolver. "BANG!" That would be his first and last line in movie history. I wonder how the conversation to discontinue acting went later that evening. Did it consist of flippant decisions made at a Dairy Queen amidst other kids whom were celebrating their tee ball game victory? Or was it more simple than that? We'll never know I suspect.

So I'm sure you're dying to know. What's this movie about? Well good person who reads this blog you're about to have your mind shattered by THE MEAT CLEAVER OF FORESIGHT! It goes like this. A rich girl's dad goes on a hunting trip by himself leaving her home alone for a week. As soon as he gets out into the wild he is shot in the chest with an arrow by the killer. DAG! He's probably dead. Then we're introduced to Brad PItt's character; a reckless young man driving a Ford Mustang. We establish his attitude problem and senioritis by showing him in class having difficulties answering rudimentary science questions that he should've learned in 6th grade. The next few scenes are spent showing us just how weird Donovan the crazy kid is and how much Pitt doesn't like him encroaching on his woman.

Shortly after that we have our first teen slasher movie victim; it's about damn time! In this case it's the art teacher who finds out first hand that 500 degrees in a kiln is hot enough to turn your epidermis into meat slag. He must've been pretty unpopular though since no-one seems to notice that he's become a pile of ashes. The next part worth talking about happens when Pitt gets drunk and pays his girlfriend a visit. He makes her come with them to the school where they use their ill gotten office key to sneak a peek at a fellow classmate's personal file. LOL. Paper files! Of course being the mean spirited kids that they are they use this knowledge of Donovan to their advantage and the next day at school everyone knows that he was given electric shock therapy when at the mental institution.

What happens next is the dumbest thing they could've possibly done. They somehow put the kids out in the middle of nowhere on a class science field trip. While being both pointless and noneducational, the scene also seems cheap when we discover that the only reason for its existence is to show us that Mr. Carson (the guy who was shot with the arrow) is still alive by having the teacher step on his chest! The teacher of course doesn't notice that he stepped directly on a prostrate man nor does he acknowledge his cries for assistance. Instead he says it's a bullfrog mating call and goes on about his business. Nothing gets past this guy.

In the next scene we learn first hand that the way to impress basketball talent scouts is not to punch opposing players in the face arch rivals style. In fact, this sort of behavior doesn't help anybody. We also learn that if you're going to kill someone in public the best time to do it is when your team just wins a game that it has no business winning. At that point you can pretty much get away with anything it seems. I'll have to remember that the next time I'm sitting under the bleachers and I'm suddenly struck with the sinister urge.

At that point they change subjects entirely and show Pitt in the garage together with Donovan talking about how they used to be best friends. WTF? Why are they all buddy buddy suddenly? And why exactly do they hate each other so much in the first place? Then just as you're pondering those topics something great happens. The vice principal gets Xeroxed to death! Hell yeah. This of course gets the attention of the parents who come down for a pow wow with the principal. Nothing like a little riot to end your day I always say. The murder gets pinned on Donovan because he's a head case, so of course he flees into the highlands. In this case the highlands happen to be Paula Carson's bedroom. Once there he's able to win her over with his creepy antics and even spend the night! The next day he convinces her that Dwight (Brad PItt) is the killer and that the only reason he's stopping him is for her. Oh how sweet.

Once they show up at school all hell breaks loose. The janitor tries to take out Donovan because he thinks he is the killer. This ruckus causes Paula and Donovan to become separated. Paula finds the bodies of her dead friends and then randomly runs into the math teacher? Then the movie takes a slight turn towards saw. They run from room to room as someone operating the PA system knows exactly where to find them. Then they end up in a room where there are two doors. A math problem is on the chalk board. Pick the right door and live. Pick the wrong door and die. I'll let you guess which one happens. After that we find out that, GASP, Donovan is the killer and that he he hunting Paula and Dwight down until the bitter end.

The ending is mildly entertaining but lacks the real payoff you've been anticipating for the entire movie. Oh, and Paula's father somehow manages to find his way back home, ALIVE. This dude spent an entire week bleeding to death, with no food, water, or shelter to speak of, and lived. Words cannot describe how stupid that is. Oh well, it's their movie.

Should you watch this movie? If you really like Brad PItt I'd say yes. Otherwise you can skip this pseudo dark comedy.

What did I learn from watching Cutting Class?

1. You can flip off your gym teacher, curse in their face, and still be expected to finish detention.

2. If you're embarrassed about your body, don't pose in front of an art class.

3. If you're going to try to kill someone with an arrow don't use the ones blunt tipped ones from school.

4. American flags are deadly.

5. If you think the crazy kid you grew up with is capable of killing people, you're probably right.

6. If you nearly run over someone's kid all you have to say is "Same time tomorrow?" and suddenly all is forgiven.

7. It's possible to step on someone and not know it.

8. Putting dirt on you makes you smell like a true outdoors-man.

9. It is possible to be both brilliant and an idiot at the same time.

10. If you want a book worm to follow you, steal their homework.