Review of Colombiana (2011) by David G — 06 Aug 2012

Mediocre action flick starring Zoe Saldana as Cataleya, the daughter of an associate of Colombian crime lord Don Luis (Beto Benites) who was murdered along with her mother when she was 10 years old. After 15 years of training with her uncle (Cliff Curtis) in America she's now an elite assassin, accepting contracts all over the world. However, is revenge on her mind? Gee, I wonder...

Despite the simple premise the film is very messy with lazy plotting that's all over the place and characters that are only half explained (who exactly is Cataleya's uncle? What does he do?) Some parts actually make zero sense, though whether that's because of plot holes or because I was half-asleep is up for debate. Either explanation doesn't reflect well upon the film. Zoe Saldana deserves credit for making the most out of a very flat and generic character but's she's the exception, everyone else range from so-so (Cliff Curtis, whom I couldn't understand half the time due to his thick accent) to awful (Michael Vartan as a nauseating "Mr. Perfect" boyfriend character, the sort of "ideal man" you find in bargain bin chick lit romance novels). Action is hit and miss. At times it's fine, at others, usually during hand to hand combat, it suffers from horrific spazzcam syndrome, which unfortunately doesn't bode well for this year's Taken 2 - Colombiana director Olivier Megaton's next project. Oh shit, I just checked IMDB and he directed Transporter 3 too! Noooooo! And I was SO looking forward to Taken 2...

Anyway, Colombiana - a very average flick that I suppose is worth a watch in a pinch but you could do a lot better. Highlight: Cliff Curtis randomly shooting up a car outside of a school in front of two dozen witnesses then calmly walking away, free as a bird, as the police arrive. This film has some REALLY dumb scenes but believe me, that little gem takes the cake!