Review of Cobra (1986) by Travis W — 28 Aug 2007

Pinpointing exactly what makes this movie so terrible is kind of like trying to define the moment Joan Rivers got one procedure too many: it's all kind of wrong in a way and the culmination of these myriad failures in good taste makes it impossible to look away.

Perhaps it's in the protagonist's name (Marion Cobretti). Perhaps it's in his behavior (Go ahead and help yourself to a Coors in the supermarket, that whole hostage crisis thing can wait) or maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with that montage connecting Cobretti's ride through the streets and Brigitte Nielsen posing with robots (what is it with Stallone and robots, Rocky IV? Please tell me).

It's everything, really, and it will take you a week to watch it all. Not because it has so many depths to plumb, but because anything more than fifteen minutes is too much to take at one time, which makes the otherwise brief 87 minute duration feel epic.

It's one of those that flourishes on cable. The commercial breaks give you enough time to recover, to continue onward and the extreme censorship required to make the action sequences broadcast safe alchemically transforms it into something bordering on New Wave.

Ultimately it's a must watch for any wannabe screenwriter who really wants to see what money can do, and what can happen when Hollywood let's you make the movie you think you should make. Smoke a fatty the size of a baby's leg and Watch "Cobra," then pray that at the height of your success, when the industry is most ready and willing to indulge you, that someone will hear the pitch for your little pipe dream and stop you before it's too late.