Review of Clerks II (2006) by Markb. — 24 Jul 2006

Never mind that Kevin Smith's original, one-day-in-the-life-of-two-disgruntled-convenience-store-drones farce Clerks was about as grimy-looking a low budget film as anyone's ever made, or that it's painfully obvious that he cast the same few actors or crew members to play ALL the bit parts, or even that the continuity person was taking a few too many smoke breaks (that 4-year-old girl in the movie bought the cigarettes a LOT earlier than 4 pm).

What truly matters is that Smith's freshman film, a true diamond in the rough, was one of the three or four most convulsively, apoplectically hilarious comedies of the last 20 years, making the terms and expressions "milkmaid", "Chewlies" and "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup" instant comic buzzwords and "37" the funniest numeral in the Arabic counting system.

12 years later, Smith's sequel proves everything that Thomas Wolfe said about going home again to be absolutely accurate; the fact that Smith has a million times more facility with the camera and a kajillion times bigger budget does nothing to remove the disspiriting, slightly depressing aftertaste that this trip to Mooby's (the fictional fast-food joint that played a big role in Smith's Dogma) with Dante and Randal leaves behind.

Even more frustrating are the 20 or so minutes of genuine entertainment value (out of 98) that Smith really DOES provide: every time Clerks II goes on without a laugh, a purpose or a point for what seems like forever, he blindsides you with a great bit like the Star Wars/ Lord of the Rings debate (guess who wins?) or Randal's outrageous, digging-himself-in-deeper attempt to defend a notorious racial epithet that at least for a few minutes brings back delightful memories of the good old black-and-white days at the Quik Stop.

(And, it must be admitted, Smith's right about the big bachelor party climax featuring a guest entertainer who's really committed to, shall we say, making our relationship with our four-legged friends a bit more, uh, personal: you really CAN'T take your eyes off the screen, no matter how much you want to!) Rosario Dawson, as the Mooby's manager and Dante's friend-and-possibly-more, is so appealing and likable that it's no wonder she's placed front and center in the movie ad; unfortunately, Brian O'Halloran and a rather jowly Jeff Anderson as Dante and Randal just aren't the comic geniuses they once were--their rather desperate attempts to push the jokes brought back too many regrettable memories of Laurel and Hardy in their declining days.

The worst aspect of Clerks II (even beyond the surprising lack of interaction with customers, the lame cameos by a couple of Smith alumni who made it big, or the Obligatory Music Videos of two, count 'em, two Number One hits--from 1970!!) is Smith's all-too-eager attempt to betray the subtle but solid point he made in the original: that whatever misfortunes that the perpetually put-upon sad sack dante suffered were his own fault for not taking charge of his own life and destiny.

(His perpetual bleat, "I'm not even supposed to BE here!!" was the perfect illustration of this.) Smith inverts his original message with a patently desperate, phonily sentimental wrap-up that tries to sell us on the idea that the clerk biz was Dante's rightful place in life all along.

If that's the case, that's truly sad, but not as much so as the quandary of a so-called independent filmmaker who, after trying to mature a bit and unsuccessfully take his audience on the jouney with him (with the delightful, vastly underrated Jersey Girl), scurries back to giving them What He Thinks They Want (including a completely fraudulent message) faster than Jerry Bruckheimer inked the papers to make Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3 after the original's first opening week.

Come to think of it, it's not just sad...it's pathetic.