Review of Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986) by Aaron S — 30 Jan 2009

Class of Nuke ?em High.

Directed by Richard W Haines and Michael Herz.

Written by Richard W. Haines, Mark Rudnitsky, Lloyd Kaufman, Stuart Strutnin.

Starring Janelle Brady, Gil Brenton, Robert Prichard, Lauren Heather McMahon, Gary Schneider, Brad Dunker, Gary Rosenblatt.

Oh, the mid eighties take on the punk subculture is all dramatic gestures, ridiculous mohawks, and even a bit of pierced nasal cavity to give it a truly tribal aesthetic.

Tromaville is just like every other town with a Nuclear facility. It?s clean, the kids are well-kempt and life is as normal can be. Then something inexplicable happens and suddenly all the honor students have transformed into a gang of punks called the Cretins. A nerd named Dewey drinks polluted water out of the fountain and turns into a psycho before jumping out of the window. The two cleanest kids in the school get ahold of some ?Atomic? weed and suddenly she?s like a bitch in heat and they do it at a frat party upstairs where the coats are. Then the both get terribly sick and start to hallucinate. Only she manages to get pregnant and carry something to full turn that is ultimately miscarried.

The film has a exceedingly fast pace with a tremendous amount of action that keeps everything at a more-or-less festive pace. The school is completely out of the teacher?s control and many of the girls dress like skanks. The Cretins own the school and Spike, their leader, backs up his intimidating presence with a sure-fire battery of beat-downs. They sell the dope and force the kiddies to pay up or face the firing squad or the Cretins no doubt imaginative alternative. The weed they buy from some hack at the Nuclear plant (he grows it right on the property because it is off limits and nobody goes there) is tainted with waste and so it tends to have quite a kick.

There is a bit of sex and violence here and it?s perfectly in place amidst all the garbage and the slaughterhouse of hormones that afflicts even the most timid housefly. Indeed, the entire school throbs with sexual necessity as all the students become threatened by the potential of nuclear contamination. There is sleaze at every turn and the soundtrack couldn?t have come out of any other time period. Indeed, everything in this film is dated to a very specific time. It exaggerates fashion trends and explodes them to prominence. There?s some New Romantic, the aforementioned punk aesthetic, some ultra-preppy, and a whole lot of kids that aren?t anything much at all. The film isn?t setting any particular trends and seems to be mostly a grab bag of ?alternative? fashion choices many years after the cool kids in real time had moved on.

The film turns into a creature feature as some toxic waste drunk monster is born and slowly grows into something truly ghastly. It does manage to take down several of the Cretins as they storm the highschool and ride their motorcycles down the halls in some sort of seismic frenzy. It?s clearly the most thrilling sequence in the film as the punks create real havoc by tearing up the school. It?s a fantasy harbored by every student and the Cretins embody their longings with apt precision. It?s slightly anarchic and possesses a legitimate sting as the gang continues to wreak turmoil in their wake. Of course they are more than mere show. They are dangerous and play hard with real weapons that do real damage to whomever gets in the way. It?s all the principal?s fault because he dared to confront them and kick them out of school for harboring a weapon (a giant bone). They are also pissed because Warren, high on nuclear waste, turns into a superman and busts their heads, killing two.

Basically, this film works mostly when it focuses on the Cretins and their hardy exploits. Spike (Prichard) is wholesale schism and terribly menacing as the wee honor student turned anti-socialite and stoker of many fires. He?s vibrant and Prichard is clearly having a terribly fine time getting the most out of his character, storming about and smashing everything that gets in his way. It?s a glorious route and Spike plays the game with tremendous spirit and a sense of purpose.

Overall, there is a considerable amount of fun to be had in this film. The soundtrack is killer and the kids who survive get their grandest desires fulfilled. It portrays highschool for the joke that it is plus there is the added bonus of Janelle Brady?s breasts which cannot be overestimated. Ultimately, it?s not remotely terrifying but does have a campy value which is one of its great charms.