Review of Christina's House (2000) by Phil G — 13 Feb 2004

I realized as I rated this movie that I really should have rated [I]Paycheck[/I] lower. I would watch [I]Christina's House[/I] any day over that piece of cinematic crap. Because this movie, however bad it is, is at least extremely fun to watch, whereas [I]Paycheck[/I] made me want to claw out all my vital internal organs. But to get back to [I]Christina's House[/I]... how much do I love this movie? It attempts to be a serious horror movie (and fails miserably), which is what makes it so funny. Unlike [I]Cherry Falls[/I], which is actually quite scary in parts, [I]Christina's House[/I] did not frighten me once. The only thing remotely creepy about it is the mom's eyes, which are way too blue and have reeeeally small pupils, if the pupils are even in fact there at all.

The "plot" of the movie is that this girl named Christina hears creepy noises in her house. Yup. Most of us learn to deal with this early in childhood, but Christina is very alarmed by the noises coming out of her air vent. Of course, it turns out that Christina has reason to be afraid... Oh yeah, and there are some girls who die. The movie has them killed off and then seems to forget they ever existed in the first place, preferring to spend its time scaring us with the half-eaten cookies and PB & J sandwiches that appear for no reason, much to Christina's horror. Apparently the director thinks that random food and Barbie stereos are more frightening than people getting killed... Actually, considering the way the first girl is murdered, he's probably right. This is the only movie I've ever seen where the killer shakes his victim back and forth by her waist until her neck snaps. I'd wonder if that's really possible, but it's [I]Christina's House[/I], so I don't ask questions.

I won't spoil the "surprise" identity of the killer, in case you haven't seen the movie (despite the fact that the only people who even read this are Katie and Trudie- sup, my homies!). There are only about 2, maaaybe 3 people who could be the killer anyway, so you've got a pretty good chance at guessing it. I couldn't finish this entry without mentioning what is probably my favorite part of this movie (beating out many, many qualified moments like the Oreo, the incest dad, the malfunctioning death machine, the blue braid, the journal, etc.). In whatever weird world this movie takes place, it's a newsworthy gossip item that Christina and her boyfriend have NOT had sex. "They haven't done it yet... don't tell anyone!" as well as "Everyone knows you haven't had sex!" are two honest-to-god lines from the movie. Anyway, if you're reading this and haven't seen this movie, GO RENT IT IMMEDIATELY!! I have to give it a bad tomatometer rating to indicate that it is, in fact, shit, but seriously, it comes with my highest recommendations for a hilarious evening.