Review of Centurion (2010) by Archibald T — 22 Mar 2011

The Ninth Legion of the Roman Army have helped the Empire spread from Egypt to Spain, but in Scotland they're stuck with having to defeat an enemy that uses guerrilla tactics as their weapon of choice. This puts the Roman Empire on hold and for the Ninth Legion, led by Commander Titus Flavius Virilus, to seek out the Pict's, their king and kill them all.

Quintus Dias is captured after the Pict's raid a Roman fort. They capture him, torture him, but he escapes. Luckily for him, Titus and his army acquire Quintus to take part in their journey to kill the Pict's. In a tragic turn of events, the Pict's pull a surprise attack on the Legion and literally wiping all of them out except for Quintus and six other men. They also kidnap Titus and as you can see the last remaining men of the Ninth Legion have to save their commander and hopefully make it back home alive.

It really doesn't take them long to find Titus and when they do find him he's chained to some kind of rock. These last remaining Romans must not be too smart because they could have easily got him out of there if they just would have used one of their fucking swords to break the chains. Later, after they leave him because he wants them to go, the king of the Pict's uses a sword and actually breaks the fucking chains letting him free to fight with a Roman hater named Etain. It's one of many, many, many stupid scenes.

Here's another one that made me laugh: When the Pict's pull their surprise attack on the Legion, wiping them out, Quintus is knocked down an embankment where dead bodies fall on top of him, keeping him hidden from the rest of the fight. I couldn't stop laughing at this scene because of how funny the way the bodies literally fall onto him. It's such a shitty way of making the main character survive this battle and to top it all off it's even more hilarious when you stop and wonder how six other Roman's were able to survive and yet Quintus was stuck having to hide for the duration. It was just too funny.

Aside from what was unintentionally funny, the film is such an utter bore. You have six Romans, seven if you count Quintus, and they have to try and stay alive from the Pict's who are hunting them. It all has to do with two things: One because they're Romans and Two because when they went to save the Commander, Thax ended up killing the Pict king's young son. Etain is a She-Wolf type of woman warrior. Her family were killed by the Roman's and they took out her tongue leaving her not being able to speak. She seeks revenge against any Roman and she will have it.

Much of the film is the Pict's going after these Roman's and I couldn't care less because the Roman's can be bastards. There are a TON of gory scenes in this film which out weigh heavily because it's repetitively trying to over do the violence to such an extent that I literally wanted the director to stop flattering me with how violent he can make his film be and just stop using it to hide from what really is a boring action movie.

Even the final fight scene between the final four Romans and the Pict's that are following them is really weak. Especially when Quintus battles Etain. Now Etain is made out to be a really bad ass woman, but when she fights Quintus it's so lame and quick. It's like she was told to hold back her kick-ass-ness so she could die quickly. Such a disappointment. I could go on about the subplot with Thax and Quintus turning on each other because the Pict's wouldn't have gone after them if it wasn't for Thax killing the Pict king's son and blah blah blah.

Overall, It was a real boring mess when you think about it.