Review of Carrie (2013) by Gianluca M — 02 Oct 2014

... I'm not quite sure, what words... I... I'm speechless... This film is a fuckin travesty, its a disaster. This film is unoriginal, uninspiring, unloved, underwhelming on every level, right, every level.

Now for those of you, unfortunate, people who have never seen the original masterpiece by Brian De Palma, just go and watch that instead. If this is the only version you have ever seen, please do not let it give you a bad vibe on the original, it is in everyway better than this pile of cardinal shite.

The remake isnt a retelling or a reimagining of the original, oh no, its a redo of every scene from the original but with more over acting, mellodrama and just noise. The entire first 20 minutes of this film is just screaming.

Julliane Moore, screaming before a baby screaming, before Chloe Moretz screaming before girls screaming before fuckin noise happening ever minute. This film is like your most dreaded alarm clock. For those of you, who have no idea about the book or the original film, let me sum up the story to you.

Carrie is a young, recently starting her period, traumatised teenager. Her mother is a total christian fanatic and tortures Carrie by locking her in the closet. Now after a horrid bullying sequence in school, Carrie has never felt lower and with prom coming up and not one bit of love given to this girl, a girl who was involved with the bullying submits her boyfriend to take Carrie to prom.

However Carries night wont be as memorable as she was led to believe, when shes pushed to the edge after discovering telekenetic powers. Back in the day, this was a very original and very fun idea that worked well, sissy spacek was brilliant as the young Carrie, adding layer upon layer of total abused childhood.

Her Chloe Moretz is just fuckin got a live wire stuck up her ass for the entire thing. Seriously, she walks about just cringing and jumping and contorting her body every 5 seconds, to try and get across this timid character, its called underacting, you should try it sometime.

Julianne Moore is just herself in this film, If you have ever seen a film with her playing a psychotic bitch then youve pretty much seen her performance in this film a hundred times over. The rest of the cast range between meh and outright horrendous.

It's self aware wankery is cringe worthy. I thinks that by adding social media in its most 1 dimensional of ways will modernise the story so much, as to retell it and freshen it up for a new generation is just patronising and lame.

This film is pointless, its infuriating, its down right lazy film making. Usually I have something good to say about a bad film, but there is very little worth mentioning to choose from. It doesnt look completely horrific, so I suppose thats why it gets a star but then for every semi decent shot this film has, it has a further 1000 CGI needless pieces of fuck in there that just discombobulate any feasable director of photographies work.

Dont watch it, seriously dont. Its boring, like really fuckin boring. I'm swearing so much because of how lazy and needless this film is. This is not a good film, its not a good remake, its not a so bad its good movie, its not memorable, its just out and out bad.

When your film is worse than the first resident evil movie, you seriously need to take a step back and look at yourself.