Review of Brighton Rock (2010) by Dan F — 07 Feb 2011

This is a pretty stupid film.

The actors do as best as they can, but they're doomed from the very start by an inane plot filled with ridiculous holes which exists only to ferry the camera from one set peice to the next so that this film can be exported to the US. We're expected to believe that Brighton consists of a pier (ironically Eastborne peir, that's where they filmed it), a couple of olde fashined guest houses which have 'film set' written all over them and some run down squat. If you want to bump into anyone, or especially if you're a gangster who wants to slash somebody's face, you do it on the pier, because nobody's going to be taking photos in a tourist spot or anything, or if you're really clever, you do it under the pier, with a million mods watching. I'd suggest if you're a Brighton police officer, just wait under the pier. We're expected to believe that Brighton locals eat Brighton rock and walk up and down the pier- of course they do, because its such a novelty for them. Incidently, living in London, I spend all my time walking around the grounds of Buckingham Palce and eating jellied eels; not to export the film to the US at all then. But most strangely of all, we're expected to believe that 'Pinkie's gang has some kind of sway, or is a gang in any sense of the word at all.

So there are four people in this gang, and apparently what they do is sit in a delapidated flat (first sign that you're in a shit gang- you can't even afford wallpaper), and ask John Hurt for protection money once. The old guy 'can't take the strain'; of what, all you've done in the entire film is taken a phone call and said there's nobody called Pinkie at this address, which there was so you even got that wrong. Pinkie was an inexperienced gangster until he accidently killed someone, now suddently he's the boss and everybody's scared of him- OK that would make some kind of sense if he didn't act in exactly the same monotone fashion as he did before- there's no change in character so why a change in position? He's a pickpocket, apparently, but when it turns out he has to steal a ticket from a girl's pocket, his approach is to stalk the girl, go out with her, dance with her, then take the ticket- pretty drawn out pickpocketing strategy that, wouldn't work in the Oxord Street rush. But she might talk so he tells her bad people might throw acid in her eyes, but he's being nice to her, he's a good guy. What kind of acid, she asks- this kind; and he pulls out a bottle of acid... so, err, why do you have a bottle of acid in your pocket exactly? And the photo he wants to take is in the window of the shop, its night, nobody's around; I know it's a departure from pockpocketing but why not just smash the window and take it; he killed somebody yesterday so he's not worried about becoming a crimminal is he? So he's a bad man but she's young/naieve/lonely so she stays with him; amazingly the most believable thing in the film, though she gets about ten millio opportunities to leave which she doesn't take; she's obsessed though so that explains her- obsessed by a man with less charisma than a stick of rock. Oh well, when your entire life takes place on a pier you get what you can get.

So later he wants to kill the old man, they're in a room alone and the old man's drunk. Good opportunity? No let's call the rival gang boss, whose shown no reason he should be trusted (and Pinkie's just said five seconds ago he doesn't trust anyone... except his competion, it seems) then let's get on a mod bike just so we can cruise through town at the front of a mod precession which only exists so this shot can be in the trailer and lets kill him at the pier. The old man's thankful he's being taken out of Brighton- they're on a bike, maybe they're going to the station. No, they get off at the peir and start walking to the sea but the old man still seems to think he's going to Nottingham. Pinkie says bye, the old man says 'what do you mean, bye'- mate you were just about to leave for Nottingham three seconds ago. Shock, the bad guts turn on Pinkie too- are we supposed to feel sorry for him because we're only sorry that because he's not dead we're going to have to watch another half an hour of this film.

So he decides that since he hates this girl and she could tell the police, he's going to kil... he's going to kil... he's going to marry her and have very uncomfortable looking sex with her before deciding he's going to kill her anyway and taking her to the... shock- the other Brighton landmark, the lighthouse, but Helen Mirren is following (they bumped into her on the pier, damnitt) so he convinces the girl the only way to get away from Helen Mirren (who doesn't even have a car at this point) is for her to shoot herself in the head, which she agrees, but only after possibly the most cheesy analogy in movie history 'she'll always be there, just like a stick of rock- no matter how much you bite off it always says Brighton in the middle'. Oh fuck off back to Eastborne you characterless tosser. But it's Ok because the gangster who isn't as bad as the others (let's face it the others aren't that bad) turns up and throws acid in Pinkie's face, cueing a fittingly over the top death scene a bit like when Jack Nicholson's Joker was thrown into a vat of chemicals as he falls off the cliff. Note to the makers of Brighton Rock; Batman was deliberately camp, your film is just plain stupid.

Aside from a surprisingly bleak (yet eye rollingly unlikely) ending and a camera swerve up to a crucifix... because the film had approximately nothing to do with religion... you couldn't help thinking this plot was written in the 40s, when melodrama was popular and people were happy with fantasy yarns. But this packages itself as a gritty gangster film; it isn't. I haven't seen the original film but I imagine it fitted its period; this one 'updates' the setting to the 60s just so it can have a mods and rockers scene to sell to the US and so that the female character's downtrodden positions still work. What would've been more interesting would be to set it in the present day, with knife crime, and play the female characters as modern day counterparts who wouldn't take any of that shit. As it is, this film just feels horrendously outdated from start to finish. Either that or they could've cast Danny Dyer in the lead role and everyone would've laughed at it, ensuring people stayed in the cinema to see Danny's face get burnt off. Unfortunately, there's no laughs in this, but even so you just can't take it seriously.