Review of Boa vs. Python (2004) by Peter P — 01 Nov 2012

I love watching and making fun of cheesy movies with my best friend, so when I saw this on boxing day for 3$ I couldn't help but buy it, and it almost lived up to what I thought it was going to be, and that was terrible. This is a very very bad movie, but it could have been worse. Here is a list of what propels this movie to great heights of lameness.

1. Really bad plot, (you have a giant snake that you somehow got in this giant metal box, (more on that in a minute) and it wakes up and you decide to open the box, really? NO, REALLY!!!!).

2. Really bad acting, from every one, including the pretend snakes (well, maybe not all the snakes, the real one that got fed to the Boa at the beginning of the movie actually looked scared, how it managed to do with when it was acting with a green screen is a testament to that snake and animal handlers relationship, I expect big things from that snake).

3. Lame action (I know, what do you do when you have a small budget, don't show most people (Teenagers, News reporters, Army men...well, you get the idea) actually getting eaten, lets just cut away to them screaming and being pulled into the bushes by a Grip with a rope, yeah, sure, that has never been done before).

4. Weird naked bath on a plane, being surprised by a snake and then having a 2 minute conversation in the buff while holding said snake scene! (Nuff said).

5. One compound word, say it with me, "HANDCUFFS" (So you get the guy responsible for all the problems in the film, then you catch him, and take him to jail in handcuffs, no wait, that would make sense, in this movie you catch the bad guy, walk with him to a tent to watch a monitor, do not handcuff him, don't pay attention to him, allow him to steal a flamethrower and a armored vehicle and get away killing more army guys and light his cigar by said flamethrower which runs out of gas before killing the snake that he released in the first place. Wow, just wow, bold choices in scripting sometimes don't work out like the writer thought they would, this could be one of those times.).

6, There a subway directly under the night club?

And lastly.

7. The Poster (Scroll up, way up to the poster of this movie, it shows two snakes on main street about to fight in the middle of a city (thus putting the name main st. on the sign implying this), and there are 3, count"um 3 helicopters, with one that is shooting a missile at the snakes. Did you see it, good, here is my problem, this movie does not take place in the city, or on main street, and for crying out loud, there is not one helicopter in the whole movie, no matter one shooting missiles at snakes. Now if that is not false advertising I don't know what it.).

So, overall, great cheesy movie, it gets one star because Jamie Bergman is pretty, and it did have a Boa VS a Python, kinda, when they were not getting busy, so, yeah, hiss on.

*Oh yeah, about the metal box mentioned earlier, how the heck do you get a 100 ft snake into a metal box in the first place, I would have given this movie 3 more stars if they would have answered this question.

**This just in, Christopher Nolan has cast the real snake as a major villain in the next Batman movie, I told you he was going to be a star.

***Just kidding about the Batman/Christopher Nolan thing, but he could do it if he wanted to, he is just that good a film maker, unlike David Flores, who directed the movie being reviewed.

****That's all, have a nice day.