Review of Blade Runner (1982) by Bheema D — 20 Jun 2015

I just don't get this movie. I don't see whatever it is everyone else sees in it. I feel like if this movie were a person, he would walk into a room eating coffee grounds and everyone would call him a genius while I said, "But that doesn't make any sense." and everyone would look at me like I was crazy. This movie is is barely 2 hours long but it feels like 5. It's so painfully slow. And bland. Everyone has the personality of a cardboard. I feel like this is The Fifth Element's older brother that takes himself way too seriously, has no sense of humor to speak of and does random things, such as the aforementioned coffee grounds eating. I'm not asking that this movie be exactly like The Fifth Element. I just want to be entertained and to reasonably be able to follow the plot. I couldn't do either. I get the plot in it's broad strokes. But not the finer ones. So one of the replicats has established herself as a stripper, I guess. Fine. Whatever. Why the heck did Ford find one of it's scales in the shower of the other replicant? Why is she showering with her snake? What? Or am I expected to believe those huge scales she pulls off the snake and uses as part of her costume? Either way, I'm not buying it. Why did Rachel run away? Why come to Ford? And keep coming? Super forced romance. And "Put your hands on me"? Do people really say that? Why is Ford dreaming about a unicorn? Is that supposed to be a hint that he's a replicant? And the origami unicorn. So EJO knows about his dreams and is suggesting Ford really is a replicant? Ok, so what's the point of all that? Why does it matter whether or not Ford is human? What does that have to do with anything? Shoot Oblivion explored those ideas more effectively and that movie isn't well-liked at all.

Ok. so the replicants go to Sebastian's to have him get them to Tyrell or whatever his name is so he can help them live longer. And he can't. Got it. Here's where I'm lost. Why does Pris hide in the trash? How the heck does that work in helping her meet Sebastian? What is he doing messing around in the trash when he comes home. What is that all about? How did she know that was him? Just lucky? Anyone else who was walking by or living there could have randomly rooted in the trash too. What the crap? Ok. Part two. Why do they go back to Sebastian's after things don't work out with Tyrell? Just. Nowhere else to go? I get there needs to be a showdown with Ford, but what reason do they have for going there? Did they kill Sebastian? I'm assuming they did but I have no memory of that happening. Ok. So Why does Ford go to Sebatian's? I missed that. And so he's trying to kill them. God it. Pris tries to kill him, he kills Pris. Got it. But then Rutger starts messing with him and running around and howling like a dog and taunting him. I have several problems with this. Why doesn't Ford just retreat? Get the heck out while he still can and live to fight another day? Cause Rutger won't let him? Ok maybe. Fine. Why is Rutger messing with him? Just cause he can? I don't get it. And he keeps running back to Pris' body to lick her face while he taunts Ford. Ok? I just don't get why he's messing with Ford so much. Revenge? K. Fine. Also, how does he not know he's about to die? Don't they all know their birth/creation days? Does Rutger know he's going to die and just wants to go out trying to kill Ford? I just don't friggin guy any of this stuff. I'm not clear on anyone's motivations. And you can have a movie without plot still be entertaining. Look at 2001. There may not be a lot happening that's advancing plot but it's still darn entertaining. And he's suggesting things and ideas to you. He's not wasting time. I don't feel like that in Blade Runner. I feel like my time is being wasted. It doesn't add any tension or anything. If he wants you to spend that time pondering some philosophical idea, then he needs to give me something to think about a bit more strongly. I don't think he's being subtle. I think he's being vague. Like i'm smelling something kinda rather than seeing it and tasting it. I guess I'm just not on the right wavelength to understand what's going on and why and to appreciate it. I respect it, seeing how it's influenced so many films and shows. I just don't understand it.