Review of Black Swan (2010) by Heath — 12 Jan 2011

Black Swan makes Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 look like best picture of the year--I say this because I thought the Potter movie just might be the worst movie of 2010. To my surprise, and dismay, that is not the case. There's an even worse film: Black Swan. It takes itself so seriously--We're making Art here, people!--that I wished I was watching ballet and not this movie. I hate ballet and this movie made me want to watch ballet. That's how bad this movie is. Watching ballet would have been more entertaining, more fun, and for more original than this insipid meat cleaver to the face--thirty seconds into the movie and it's clear that Natalie Portman's character is madder than a hatter and there the guesswork ends; the conspicuous meat cleaver has split your face in two, but does director Aronofsky stop there? Nope. His disgust for subtlety (of any kind) knows no bounds, or shame. He wants us to be so sure that Portman is madder than a hatter that he meat cleavers us in the face over and over: She's madder than a hatter! It's all in her head! Get it? Yes, Darren Aronofsky, I got it thirty seconds into the movie when the first meat cleaver got me square between the eyes, thank you very much. This movie is so bloody obvious that I began to wonder if Aronofsky simply doesn't want his audience to use their brains while watching one of his art house movies. (We're making Art here, people, and curing cancer!) Is he so threatened by someone else's interpretation that he leaves no possible room for interpretation? Is that the reason for the meat cleavers to the face, Darren? If true, I'd argue Aronofsky's got some issues that he might want to take up with his urologist. There isn't an original moment in this predictable, so-called disturbing movie. Disturbing? It's disturbing that Black Swan was so bad it made me want to watch ballet! To make matters worse, (if that's possible, and dear God in heaven, it is), there isn't a likeable character in the entire film. Now, there's nothing in filmmaking 101 that says you have to have a likeable character in your movie, but basic storytelling will tell you that if you want your audience to connect in a way that matters, a likeable character might be a good idea. In the very least, have an unlikable character find some kind of redemption at the end so that the audience will feel emotionally satisfied. In Black Swan, every character is not only an obvious stereotype, they're repugnant. (When Barbara Hershey came in as the evil ballet stage mother, I thought I was watching bad satire.) I was like, well, geez, I can't stand these people, I have no hope for them, it's clear there is no hope for them because they're all crazy, so why do I care what happens to them at the end? It isn't my fault that I felt this way. It's Darren Aronofsky's fault. When the end did finally come (thank God), was I surprised, shocked, horrified, confused, sad? No! I just wanted to get out of the theatre and see some ballet! And this brings me to Natalie Portman's brave acting job: Brave because she lets a hot chick go down on her and shows us her orgasm face. Wow, that takes some talent. (Porno stars do it all the time, but they're professionals so they make it look easy.) Halle Berry did the same thing for Monster's Ball, and she did it better, longer and with Billy Bob Thorton--now that's what I call brave!--and at least Halle showed some boob. All we get in Black Swan is Portman's worried orgasm face. Of course, she'll be nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress (because she was so brave--We're making Art here, people, curing cancer and bringing peace to the world!) The Academy did the same thing to Halle, but Hollywood has a tradition of rewarding actresses who show us their orgasm faces in movies. Put a famous actress in a movie where a guy or girl goes down on her and she shows us her orgasm face and you can be sure she'll receive a nomination. Most of the time, they don't do that for the men. (Sean Penn got an Academy Award for MILK, but he didn't show us his orgasm face or go down on a guy in the movie, so it doesn't count.) It's usually just the ladies. Hollywood's orgasm face double-standard, like this typical Hollywood movie: A steaming pile of hubristic crap.

My rating: Six Irish Carbombs and a Mind Eraser shooter, and a ticket to the ballet.