Review of Bee Movie (2007) by Mitchell E — 20 Sep 2018

SHREK.

Once upon a time there was a lovely.

princess. But she had an enchantment.

upon her of a fearful sort which could.

only be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded.

by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

Many brave knights had attempted to.

free her from this dreadful prison,.

but non prevailed. She waited in the.

dragon's keep in the highest room of.

the tallest tower for her true love.

and true love's first kiss. (laughs).

Like that's ever gonna happen. What.

a load of - (toilet flush).

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his.

day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go.

after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME.

MAN1.

Think it's in there?

MAN2.

All right. Let's get it!

MAN1.

Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that.

thing can do to you?

MAN3.

Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's.

bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK.

Yes, well, actually, that would be a.

giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly.

peeled skin.

MEN.

No!

SHREK.

They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the.

jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's.

quite good on toast.

MAN1.

Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

(waves the torch at Shrek.).

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The.

men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long.

and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the.

men are in the dark.

SHREK.

This is the part where you run away.

(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.).

And stay out! (looks down and picks.

up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.

Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and.

throws the paper over his shoulder.).

THE NEXT DAY.

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard.

sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures.

to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line.

are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto.

who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three.

little pigs.

GUARD.

All right. This one's full. Take it.

away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

HEAD GUARD.

Next!

GUARD.

(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!

Your flying days are over. (breaks the.

broom in half).

HEAD GUARD.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.

Next!

GUARD.

Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD.

Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR.

(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY.

Please, don't turn me in. I'll never.

be stubborn again. I can change. Please!

Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN.

Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope).

DONKEY.

Oh!

HEAD GUARD.

Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO.

This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO.

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his.

nose grows).

HEAD GUARD.

Five shillings for the possessed toy.

Take it away.

PINOCCHIO.

Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up.

to the table.

HEAD GUARD.

Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN.

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD.

Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,.

if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN.

Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD.

Well?

OLD WOMAN.

Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little.

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.

Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD.

That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN.

No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends.

to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to.

talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing.

you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD.

Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN.

No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One.

of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's.

hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled.

with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY.

Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN.

He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS.

He can fly!

HEAD GUARD.

He can talk!

DONKEY.

Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm.

a flying, talking donkey. You might.

have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly.

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey.

fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins.

to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink.

to the ground.).

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD.

Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.).

After him!

GUARDS.

He's getting away! Get him! This way!

Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.

Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared.

for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He.

quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD.

You there. Ogre!

SHREK.

Aye?

HEAD GUARD.

By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized.

to place you both under arrest and transport.

you to a designated resettlement facility.

SHREK.

Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well.

and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail.

and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and.

begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY.

Can I say something to you? Listen,.

you was really, really, really somethin'.

back here. Incredible!

SHREK.

Are you talkin' to...(he turns around.

and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back.

around and Donkey is right in front.

of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY.

Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell.

you that you that you was great back.

here? Those guards! They thought they.

was all of that. Then you showed up,.

and bam! They was trippin' over themselves.

like babes in the woods. That really.

made me feel good to see that.

SHREK.

Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY.

Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK.

Now, why don't you go celebrate your.

freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

DONKEY.

But, uh, I don't have any friends. And.

I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,.

wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll.

stick with you. You're mean, green,.

fightin' machine. Together we'll scare.

the spit out of anybody that crosses.

us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very.

loudly.

DONKEY.

Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you.

don't mind me sayin', if that don't.

work, your breath certainly will get.

the job done, 'cause you definitely.

need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause.

you breath stinks! You almost burned.

the hair outta my nose, just like the.

time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey.

continues to talk, so Shrek removes.

his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten.

berries. I had strong gases leaking.

out of my butt that day.

SHREK.

Why are you following me?

DONKEY.

I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause.

I'm all alone, There's no one here beside.

me, My problems have all gone, There's.

no one to deride me, But you gotta have.

faith...

SHREK.

Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't.

have any friends.

DONKEY.

Wow. Only a true friend would be that.

cruelly honest.

SHREK.

Listen, little donkey. Take a look at.

me. What am I?

DONKEY.

(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really.

tall?

SHREK.

No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your.

torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that.

bother you?

DONKEY.

Nope.

SHREK.

Really?

DONKEY.

Really, really.

SHREK.

Oh.

DONKEY.

Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK.

Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY.

Shrek? Well, you know what I like about.

you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me.

thing. I like that. I respect that,.

Shrek. You all right. (They come over.

a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.).

Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live.

in place like that?

SHREK.

That would be my home.

DONKEY.

Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.

You know you are quite a decorator.

It's amazing what you've done with such.

a modest budget. I like that boulder.

That is a nice boulder. I guess you.

don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK.

I like my privacy.

DONKEY.

You know, I do too. That's another thing.

we have in common. Like I hate it when.

you got somebody in your face. You've.

trying to give them a hint, and they.

won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

SHREK.

Uh, what?

DONKEY.

Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK.

(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY.

Really?

SHREK.

No.

DONKEY.

Please! I don't wanna go back there!

You don't know what it's like to be.

considered a freak. (pause while he.

looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.

But that's why we gotta stick together.

You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

SHREK.

Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY.

Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage).

SHREK.

What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto.

a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY.

This is gonna be fun! We can stay up.

late, swappin' manly stories, and in.

the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK.

Oh!

DONKEY.

Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK.

(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY.

Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,.

I don't know you, and you don't know.

me, so I guess outside is best, you.

know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek.

slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do.

like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was.

born outside. I'll just be sitting by.

myself outside, I guess, you know. By.

myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's.

no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT.

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights.

a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a.

noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK.

(to Donkey) I thought I told you to.

stay outside.

DONKEY.

(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that.

made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns.

and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1.

Well, gents, it's a far cry from the.

farm, but what choice do we have?

BLIND MOUSE2.

It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

GORDO.

(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

SHREK.

Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes.

and lands on his shoulder.).

GORDO.

I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's.

ear).

SHREK.

Ow!

GORDO.

Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1.

Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO.

How did you know?

SHREK.

Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are.

you doing in my house? (He gets bumped.

from behind and he drops the mice.).

Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves.

with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,.

no, no. Dead broad off the table.

DWARF.

Where are we supposed to put her? The.

bed's taken.

SHREK.

Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.

The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at.

him.

BIG BAD WOLF.

What?

TIME LAPSE.

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging.

him to the front door.

SHREK.

I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm.

a terrifying ogre! What do I have to.

do get a little privacy? (He opens the.

front door to throw the Wolf out and.

he sees that all the collected Fairy.

Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,.

no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his.

pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing.

flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

SHREK.

What are you doing in my swamp? (this.

echoes and everyone falls silent.).

Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a.

tent.

SHREK.

All right, get out of here. All of you,.

move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!

Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more.

dwarves run inside the house) No, no!

No, no. Not there. Not there. (they.

shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to.

look at Donkey).

DONKEY.

Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite.

them.

PINOCCHIO.

Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK.

What?

PINOCCHIO.

We were forced to come here.

SHREK.

(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG.

Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed.

and he...signed an eviction notice.

SHREK.

(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where.

this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY.

Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK.

Does anyone else know where to find.

him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY.

Me! Me!

SHREK.

Anyone?

DONKEY.

Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!

Me, me!

SHREK.

(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy.

tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out.

In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad.

right now and get you all off my land.

and back where you came from! (Pause.

Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey).

You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY.

All right, that's what I like to hear,.

man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart.

friends, off on a whirlwind big-city.

adventure. I love it!

DONKEY.

(singing) On the road again. Sing it.

with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get.

on the road again.

SHREK.

What did I say about singing?

DONKEY.

Can I whistle?

SHREK.

No.

DONKEY.

Can I hum it?

SHREK.

All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN.

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually.

dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD.

That's enough. He's ready to talk.

The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down.

onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the.

table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes.

up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

FARQUAAD.

(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs.

and plays with them) Run, run, run,.

as fast as you can. You can't catch.

me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN.

You are a monster.

FARQUAAD.

I'm not the monster here. You are. You.

and the rest of that fairy tale trash,.

poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell.

me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN.

Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's.

eye.).

FARQUAAD.

I've tried to be fair to you creatures.

Now my patience has reached its end!

Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to.

pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons).

GINGERBREAD MAN.

No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop.

buttons.

FARQUAAD.

All right then. Who's hiding them?

GINGERBREAD MAN.

Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the.

muffin man?

FARQUAAD.

The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN.

The muffin man.

FARQUAAD.

Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives.

on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN.

Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD.

The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN.

The muffin man!

FARQUAAD.

She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD.

My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD.

Then what are you waiting for? Bring.

it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.

They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic.

Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN.

(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD.

Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN.

Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks.

him up and dumps him.