Review of Battleship (2012) by Dallstar — 16 Aug 2012

In a sentence: Hawai looks nice, DDG Arleigh Burke's are very nice, Rihanna looks like a boy and aliens behave like they are winners of Intergalactic Championship of Idiots.

No point in writing about the plot, because others done it already - predictable, stereotype driven and filled with some 'stereotype breaking' ideas like - coward, veteran without legs and a perfect blonde saving the world... oh, that was unexpected!

But then again - who in hell watches this kind of movies in expectation of a thrilling plot? People may have different motivations! I for one watched it because I like steel, guns and blazing technology.

Unfortunately even for me its not completely appealing. Destroyers do looks nice but there is so much stupid things in the movie that it breaks it even for militaristic oriented fans. Let me give you some examples: - Undisciplined dude joins navy... just like that and becomes a Lieutenant... to hell with academy! I will join up too! - Aliens who traverse the Galaxy and come to conquer us with their fancy guided-rotating-razor-sharp whateveritis things use ballistic trajectory type projectiles to shoot at our ships. I guess for them anything that flies faster than 60mph and manoeuvres is a work of Alien Satan! - Navy commander, who is even decorated at the end, looks at a thing size of a two football fields and gives order to open fire with a 127-mm Mk4 (because aliens are stealth and nothing else works) and manages to squeeze in whole 2 shots in about a two minutes (with a gun boasting 16-20 shots per minute). ladies and gentleman - he is a hero! - Aliens at the same time lack brains (or whatever they use for thinking). They send some swirling mumbo jumbo to destroy a highway on Hawai, but they leave a destroyer alone 'because it did not fire at them and changed the course to not a collision one. Damn, if Alien commander was not dead he would probably be fired at the end. - Singe anchor chain is literally yanking 45k ton battleship out of the water... nice chain. Would give it a medal or two. I guess it was highly motivated by the fact that Rihanna would die if it didn't do it.

And those are just the most appalling of the ideas. Do not get me wrong - I still watched the movie and enjoyed the explosions, just do not bet on realism.