Review of Battleship (2012) by James S — 11 Sep 2014

You know how they say you can't polish a turd? Well, I'd like to respectfully disagree, because that's exactly what Peter Berg has done with Battleship. It's an abysmal trek through stupidity and mind-numbery, but it's always pretty to look at. Universal clearly made Berg take Michael Bay 101, but it just isn't the same. I know this isn't going to make me any friends, but I like most of Bay's films (most). Bay knows how to frame and follow action. His characters can be poorly written, but his films always have a decent cast.

Maybe I'm forgetting, but there's no equivalent to Rihanna in any of his films. She's so terrible in a film full of terrible performances that I had to single her out. This movie just gives me a headache. Rihanna's acting skills are no joke though, but somehow they still make me laugh. I guess if there are any positives to this film, they'd be the humanoid alien designs, which are cool when they aren't wearing Halo armor, and Brooklyn Decker. That's about it.

Classic line: "You aren't going to sink this battleship. No way.".