Review of Artemis Fowl (2020) by Theirrelephants — 12 Jun 2020

There's a reason they released this on their crappy streaming service (thank god a friend of mine is dumb enough to pay for it) instead of in theaters.

I'm a HUGE fan of the books, so let me just say this for anyone else who is as well: stay FAR, FAR AWAY!

The appeal of the first few books was the character development. The protagonist is quite the villain in the first novel, and gets better as things move along. This movie has never heard the words character development, and probably would find the concept confusing if it had.

The casting sucks too. The only halfway decent actor was Artemis' dad, who shouldn't have been in it to begin with. I think the reviewers were afraid to badmouth Judi Dench for tribal reasons because her gravel voice and over the top performance was just as pathetic as the rest of the 'actors' in the film. I hate agreeing with film critics, because most of them are stupid and their taste is nonexistent or based on their personal politics instead of a film's quality (See: the reviews for the newest death wish movie with bruce willis on this very site), but the one who said the best scene in the movie was the stupid fart joke was right. Jesus.