Review of Apocalypto (2006) by Ethanp. — 16 Dec 2006

The logic in this crapfest was so half-baked that it's a wonder there were no random cuts to 1970s porn. [***Spoilers***]: Anyone who has played hide and seek should wonder why it's possible to hide in one's best friend's back yard for half an hour without being found, but it's impossible for a forest-wise Mayan to find reasonable cover *anywhere in the entire Mayan land,* without, of course, letting a single splash of blood fall just as your nemesis runs under your tree-top hiding place so that it may later be discovered and immediately ascertained by one of your cohorts that the blood must be from you and that you must be hiding in the trees.

Because even though those cohorts have just been party to bloody sacrifice, any one of them will easily spot a drop of blood and know for sure that it's from you and your tree-hiding. Run in a straight line for 48 hours(!), and only when we do this scene with the arrows pointing directly at you should you run back and forth in an evasive way.

But the arrows will still eventually hit you and all your friends. Because these are skilled Mayan bad guys, until certain scenes in which they've decided not to throw any sharp objects in your direction, which coincidentally occur when you've stopped your running to look back and ponder/taunt your rivals and would be putting yourself in imminent danger had the evil Mayans not decided that it would be a good moment to cease fire and just look at you.

And, by the way, they all run at the same pace as you, which happens to be the exact pace at which a jaguar runs. And during a downpour so bad that it fills a good-sized pit faster than a swimming pool, European dingies remain fully afloat.