Review of Alien: Covenant (2017) by Shpostal — 20 May 2017

Some Hollywood types simply cannot resist milking a successful movie until it's totally sucked dry, void of any shred of originality, and nothing but rehash for those who love the franchise sequel/prequel format.

I'll be blunt - my wife wanted to see "Alien: Covenant". Being the dutiful husband and nice guy, I took her, and got exactly what I expected. She usually likes the Alien series, but this one was a bomb for her, too.

Not even the usually fine Michael Fassbender could save this wreck. The cinematography was good, and it ought to be, considering how many millions of dollars the "Alien" series has netted.

But overall, this was a cliched uninspired mess. A movie this predictable shouldn't even have spoiler alerts. I'll give a bit of one anyway, in that it rips off the original 1979 classic every which way: pods that dumbasses look into and get plastered by the acidic alien on the puss and in maybe the slightest twist, a few that get infected by spores and then blow up.

That was a rip off from "Alien 3", so there goes the originality. And of course, the artificial intelligence being, played in a dual role by Fassbender, has issues and once again, you can't trust an android.

It is only because of Fassbender that "Covenant" has any merit at all. The other actors, including the religious Billy Crudup are uninspiring and just do not connect. In fact, the movie doesn't connect at all except for hardcore fans and those who just like to jump at the loud moments and watch different ways the aliens mutilate the hapless cast.

And the ending just guarantees another sequel, which is the most terrifying moment in this whole pointless movie. I'll stick with the much much greater sequel to "Guardians of the Galaxy" - as loony as those two movies are, at least we can savor each character and see some of the coolest effects ever in the sci fi genre.

As far as I'm concerned, nobody will ever touch the brilliance, truly terrifying twists and turns and overall thrills of the original "Alien", and I wish to hell Ridley Scott and Hollywood would put this series out the cargo bay into the silence of space for good.