Review of Alien: Covenant (2017) by Antonio M — 19 May 2017

This movie made every possible mistake it could. It's a movie that seems thrown together at the last minute like a fifth graders science fair project. Let me preference by saying Aliens (1979) is on my top 10 favorite movies of all time, a true masterpiece from the golden age of movies.

The plot was always strong, the character development was spot on and the effects were nothing less than spectacular. That being said this movie made my teeth hurt. Small yet damaging mistakes such as the crew landing on the planet with nothing more than a sweater vest and what I can only assume to be weapons from a century ago, no helmets no problem.

This movie also made the mistake of casting some pretty abysmal actors, of course the beautiful Danny McBride can never do any wrong and Michael Fassbender is a good actor who had to make due with the quickly fleeting script.

The main character from the original Alien was of course Sigourney Weaver, who broke the stereotype that woman in movies can't be tough harasses who outlive the boys. Katherine Waterston might as well have been knitting some wool caps for the boys before she got dinner started, as she had no qualities as a strong heroine.

Basically perpetuating the the other stereotype about woman, they cry a lot. I love seeing a strong female character in movies, it's always a breath of fresh air. However just because she is a female in a lead role does not automatically make her a strong character.

It seems as though the movie made the second biggest mistake in movie making which is focus on the effects rather than the script. Sure the movie looked great but but that can only take it so far. This movie also made the first biggest mistake in movie making; it's the phrase every director, every producer, every actor, and every movie goer dreads.

THE MOVIE WAS F****** BORING. How do you make an Aliens movie boring? Why was there a 5 minute scene where a character teaches another character how to play a flute?! There's aliens everywhere but hey, let's play a recorder like we're all 5th graders in music class.

In the theater I was next to one guy who fell asleep 40 minutes in. I woke him up because he was snoring, and the second time he fell asleep I was moments away from nudging him but decide no, let him sleep.

I'm sure his dreams are better than this train wreck. In short, a colonoscopy would be a better option that seeing this movie. At least with the colonoscopy you might find something interesting, like cancer.