Review of Alien: Covenant (2017) by Jay F — 09 Aug 2017

This movie broke my geek heart in half and spilled Alien acid on it!

Ridley Scott usually never disappoints as the master of sci-fi (and other genres), but this episode of Aliens falls through so many bad plot holes and stupid turns that it is truly hard to imagine he actually directed or had any part in this ridiculous version of what is an exceptional franchise!

We purchased the movie in HD with the usual expectations, as we loved Prometheus; but then sadly had to stop the movie and swear outloud no less than four times in our living room with friends as the simple and unthoughtful TV sitcom level plot lines expanded to where even my temperate wife (who dislikes most scifi movies was loudly expressing herself "shot-shit that is so f'ing stupid!"). #1 - planetary explorations made wearing canvas tent clothing sherpa hats and yoga mats?really? WTF? [THE REST HERE SPOILER ALERT] #2 - Keystone cops scene leading up to ship exploding is pure ridiculous comedy when the infected begin to turn #3- Colonist were protected by a group of hand selected idtios all trained to put their wives lives over 2000 colonists?! So Dumb it blows the mind of even the simplest mind watching! #4- The synthetic is the architect of the evolution of the Aliens . . jesus that is beyond stupid! Especially when Prometheus planted such genius in the seeds of this as means to eradicate animals/man already . . . can go on but why bother? Ridley, were you drunk when you scripted this one??? Horrible! Like watching an A-Team episodic version of Aliens with an unfunny crew of dumb ass misfits nobody would have supervide a kids camping trip, much less the colonization and survival of humans on another planet!

Summary:

Painfully dumb, and so very hard to watch, so best advice is to first not pay for this if need be to see it through, and make sure to treat it as a comdey version of the movie series, and a must have is to have PLENTY of good alcohol around (we did shots eachtime the plot went beyond stupid - so many drinks when the cowboy was flying the cargo ship around and the hero chic was cabled shooting the ship trying to shoot the rogue Alien . .an attempt at a Ripley ripoff turned into more of a Naked Gun 2 1/2 scene!), and just pretend that everybody on this colonist ship was excommunicated from Earth for being the dumbest of us, and in need of dying ASAP so to NOT reproduce ever!