Review of Alfie (2004) by Emma T — 24 Feb 2008

Remaking brilliant classic movies, eh? The cinematic equivalent of enjoying a good meal, only to have someone shove their fingers down your throat, throw it up and force you to enjoy it again. Yes, Alfie 2004 is nothing more that a rancid regurgitation and a vehicle for one of the most over-rated actors of all time, Jude Law.

So, does this reworking unearth any more depth of the character of Alfie? No. Because Jude Law doesn't play Alfie, he plays an even more odious, cretinous version of Jude Law. At least Caine's beautiful portrayal of Alfie had an innate melancholy about him. He was believable, sculpted by Caine to make you love and loathe the character in equal measure. I'm not sure if it's extreme vanity or plain laziness that Law's doesn't even bother embracing Alfie, he merely walked though the uninspiring script and set as an advert for Jude Law Inc..

Never has fourth-walling been so excruciatingly unwelcome. Bizarrely, it feels at times like Law is attempted a one-on-one apology with you for even being in the film rather than a narrative tool. I found myself mumbling "don't confide in me, just feck off. You can talk to me when you can be bothered to start acting,pal".

Of course, if a film is dire, it's saving grace can sometime be that the characters are so shaggable that you can't take your eyes off them. No so here. Jude Law is not a hearth-throb, he's a wonky looking, charmless, slimebucket of a faux-meterosexual himbo. How this irksome odd bod has been elevated to hearthob status by the press, Ill never know.

To summarise, Alfie 2004 is an insult to Caine, and the cinema generally. It's truly atrocious, a prime example of the dreadful practice of making of 'star vehicle' movies. By the end you'll be crying because you'll never get those two hours of your life back.