Review of Alexander (2004) by John N — 26 Apr 2010

Probably Oliver Stones worst film. So many aspects to correct.

1) Start off by miscasting every single actor. It can be said as simple as that. There wasn't a single actor in this movie, who was meant to play whichever role he or she actually played.

2) Have an entire orchestra playing the harp non-stop. Just to set the mood.

3) Turn Alexander the Great into a whimpering, sexually frustrated Fabio.

4) Shoot every battle-scene in such a manner, that no-one will have the slightest idea of what's going on. Of course, use shaky cam so you really get a feeling of being right in the middle of it. If the battle suddenly gets to a point where it's too easy to follow, screw up the color contrasts.

5) Have every Macedonian talk in an Irish accent, every Greek in a British accent and everyone should just mumble.

6) Make sure not to have a point with the movie. If the audience does not leave the theater thinking "OK, what was he trying to say?" you've failed.

7) Waste two-and-a-half hours of a three-hour movie about the greatest warlord of all time on ridiculous philosophizing.

8) Make sure to have at least six or seven fake scars on every single actor in the movie.

9) Hire additional make-up-artists. If you want to create the worst movie in history; every single actor has to wear way too much make-up.

10) If there's anything even decent in the movie; re-shoot it. Every single scene has to be worse than the one before. This will leave the audience in one of two perfect states; either they will be laughing so hard, that they cant actually watch the film, or they'll be crying over how badly a really cool theme can be turned into the Worst Movie In History.