Review of 47 Ronin (1994) by Jesse O — 01 May 2014

At first, when I had finished the film, while I didn't think the film was good at all, I did find it had a little bit of a B-movie charm. Where you can almost laugh at how bad it is and get some enjoyment out of that.

But then I decided to actually search up on the real story of the 47 ronin that this film is, supposed to be, based on. The only thing this movie has that's based on truth is the name, that's about it.

So, basically, I read up on the real story and it was so completely different than the bullshit, DUH, presented in this film. I said duh, cause this film has some fantasy aspects such as witches than turn into foxes and that dragon from Never Ending Story, weird monk-like men, whose upper part of their face looks like a weird lizard/bird combination, and there's also zombie boy, not that he doesn't really serve any purpose in the actual film, he's just there because he's got a unique look for marketing purposes.

And seeing the zombie boy brings up the, obvious, question...what is this unrealistically tattooed man for the time era he's supposed to be in even DOING here? The real story saw the 47 ronin, seemingly, break up in order to throw off Lord Kira's men.

Some of them became monks, some of them became town drunks, one of them even married into the family of someone who knew the layout of Lord Kira's fortress. Just on that alone, granted I simplified much of what I read, you have a completely different movie.

A completely different, and superior, movie. It's a case of coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I believe in this case that the film being more faithful to the real-life story would've made for a better end product.

Don't even bother with all the fantasy bullshit, they really should've nipped this in the bud when they had the chance. I had no idea if the script that was originally written for this film was what we got on screen, but whoever made the decision to include the fantasy aspects made the absolute worst decision, in the long run, for the film.

It was an absolutely terrible decision. You can still tell the same story you told in this film. You can still have Keanu Reeves as the 'half-breed', you just need to change everything else around them to make it as close to the real life story as is possible.

There's always going to be creative freedoms taken, that's part of the game, but the basic story should be as loyal to the real people as is humanly possible. I can imagine the ronin turning in their graves seeing their incredible story of honor and loyalty, even in the face of certain death, reduced to a lifeless, soulless example of Hollywood popcorn film at its worst.

The film still has elements of the loyalty they felt towards their master and their desire for vengeance, even if it'd lead to their own deaths, but it's muddled by all the fantasy bullshit and a terrible story full of one-dimensional characters that fail to connect on a deeper level.

The romance between Kai and Mika is absolutely laughable. I don't even know why they're in love with each other. Kai is sensitive and respectful even if he's treated like crap, maybe Mika finds something appealing about this.

This is just a case of Kai and Mika think the other is hot and that's reason enough for them to be in love with each other. I guess I understand them, building a connection with another human being in two hours, much less a romantic one, is extremely difficult so they just decided to cut out the middleman and get right to business.

It doesn't make for a particularly interesting story to follow, the movie just seems to drag on until the samurai are stripped of their rank. And even after that, not much happens. The ronin reunite, they go get some swords from those weird monk lizard bird people, they fall into a trap set by the witch and then they bounce back and storm Lord Kira's fortress to kill him.

The story progression is absolutely dreadful looking back at it. It'd be one thing if this aspect of the film was terrible, but the characters were memorable and their interactions revealed a deeper side to the samurai life and what it means to them, but it doesn't.

Which brings us to the reasons why you'd do this movie? I think there was a time and a place to do this film. That time and place would've been a year or two after The Last Samurai came out. That film made $450 million worldwide.

It wasn't The Avengers or The Dark Knight level big, but it was a pretty successful movie considering it wasn't a sequel to a famous franchise, comic book movie, etc. It did have Tom Cruise, but I doubt he had much to do with the film's success.

I think it's safe to say if they had made this movie back then, it might've been a little more successful, even if the film was still as awful as it is now. Plus, while the Matrix sequels aren't as fondly remembered as the original, Keanu Reeves was just coming off of starring in one of the biggest franchises of the last 20 years.

His name would've meant more then than it does now. I still don't have any idea what this film's demographic is supposed to be? The same people who paid to see Transformers? It's not like anybody was really clamoring for this movie.

Even the people who wanted to see it must've been pretty tepid about it. Universal put a lot of money into this film, so no matter how much it got delayed and how many edits were made to the film, this film was gonna see the light of day.

It shouldn't have ever seen the light of day, but it did, and this is what we got out of it. One thing I will say, the costume design was good. Costume design might probably be the most important thing of a movie that the fewest people notice.

Especially in a 'period' film. It takes a lot of talent to make every costume look as believable as possible so as to make it feel like you're watching something from that particular era. But when a film is so bad that the only positive you can think of, outside of the cast, that is criminally mishandled, then there's a problem with your film.

And I think that's the problem with 47 Ronin. I can see this movie, in a couple of years, after the stank has washed away, gaining a cult following. I hope those people are in on the joke, because if they're not and they genuinely enjoy this film, then I weep for the future of geekdom.

Everyone has the freedom to enjoy what they want, right? It seems difficult for me to believe that someone could possibly enjoy this. Unless they watch it as campy, trashy fun. Then it's fine. Still, this is a disaster on pretty much all accounts.

Go read a book about the real 47 ronin instead, you'll learn more and have a better time.